Conniption Fits

I've been watching my 2 year old granddaughter throw a conniption fit when she is picked up and doesn't want to be picked up. When I was young, that was the sign of a spoiled rotten brat - the very worse thing someone could think about you or your children (or grandchildren).

Now when I see her do that, I think, "You go girl - may you always know what you want and may you always fight for it." Predictably, because my perceptions of who I am and who others are and who God is are inextricably intertwined, I now also happen to think that God similarly approves. I can imagine Him thinking, "You go girl, may you always know what you want and may you always fight for it."

Significance

My points of torment are like pokes now instead of burning embers. But even so, if ignored, they can still do damage. The funny thing is, now that I have entered the last third (fourth?) of my life, the torment now gets to add, for good measure, "... and by the way, you're too old to be tormented by that thought any more!"

I'll give an example: I still have existential questions like, what is my significance and why am I here. But it usually is in the form of, I have no significance and it is my fault. And if unattended and ignored, I can fall into lethargy, the place where I go when I have unattended, depressive thoughts. But this time around, the thought did not get to pass through unnoticed and she wasn't shamed for existing, . . .well, initially she was. So I pulled her out and said, "Let's look at this, what do you think, do you have significance?"

When you are young, the thought is that eventually you will do something that is significant and people will say, "Wow, what a significant person!" But you reach a certain age and if you are honest with yourself, it becomes obvious that that is not going to happen.

So where does significance come from? For me, the answer this time around was that my significance comes from the fact that I was put here to be a witness of, to be one who reflects and absorbs creation/God. I was put here to witness God and Creation and then to reflect what I witnessed. Actually, that is what we all do whether we know it or not - we all reflect what we absorb.

I'm not quite sure why that comforted me or why it rang true or why I believe that - but for me, it was quite "significant".

Nope - Not 2,780

Ricky Gervais says, "It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are. From what I can gather, pretty much the worst type of person you can be is an atheist. The first four commandments hammer this point home. There is a god, I’m him, no one else is, you’re not as good and don’t forget it. (Don’t murder anyone, does not get mentioned till number 6.)"

He has a good point. So I asked myself why might that be? The only answer I can come up with is perhaps because God interacts with people where they are. Maybe it is a guess, but 2,780 gods have supposedly been documented. In an era when people worshipped multiple gods, He was letting people know, "nope, not 2,780 gods, only 1 and He/She/It is Good". Well maybe the Good part came 1500 years later.

The Empty Spaces

There are some "discoveries" I have that I want to marinate in and one of those discoveries is the idea that the empty parts of a painting are just as much a part of the beauty of the painting as the objects themselves.

What got me going in this direction was an article in the WSJ that was talking about Japanese paintings and the fact that their uniqueness was in the amazing amount of empty space. David Littlejohn writes, "One quality of Japanese art that puzzles Westerners is its astonishing degree of empty space."

And I thought, if my life consisted of the forming of a painting, the empty spaces would be like the moments we don't experience God or notice Him. That turns the direction of my life around 180 degrees. The heavy "pressure" to experience God or to seek Him or to notice Him or to be aware of what He is doing slips down off my shoulders and I am free.

So after church, I am cooking sausage for a sausage and rice recipe and am thinking, this so-called "non-moment" is just as much a part of the beauty of who I am as any ecstasy I feel when I sense His presence.

Whole Together, Not Apart

I'm adjusting to the reality that wholeness is not to be found within, but without. I keep seeking wholeness within myself. In other words, when I experience the incompleteness of my humanity, I remind myself, that is because I am complete when I am in community and will never be complete any place else.

I look around and I see people who are more secure than me, who are more organized than me, who are more socially competent than me, who are more relaxed than me, who are more focused than me, who are more ambitious than me, who are more hard working than me, who are more together than me, who are more anything than me. And when I have those thoughts, I remind myself, that that is why I hang out with them - they get to be all those things and I don't have to be all those things and together, we are complete. (so there!)

Sharing Silence

As I contemplate how I am going to live the last fourth of my life, I am playing with the idea of stepping back from actively seeking God and let Him seek me. As I imagine doing that, the thought has crossed my mind, what happens if I do that and He doesn't interact with me or what happens if I do that and He doesn't seek me or what happens if I do that and He seeks me in such a way that I don't know it?

And then I am reminded of what I read about Japanese paintings - part of their beauty is the amazing amount of "white space" - the amazing amount of emptiness. So if I imagined myself as a painting, I would imagine myself as a Japanese painting with an amazing amount of emptiness - the emptiness representing the silence God and I share. So if I let Him seek me, and there is silence, then the silence will be something He and I share - an amazing amount of emptiness - beauty!