Little Stories in (Little) Brains

So I have this little story going on in my (little) brain and that is that my Rational Cousin disapproves of some of the decisions I have made and are making. He has never said anything, but I just know him and have listened to him for enough years to (supposedly) know what he is thinking.

That should be the first clue that my thinking is amiss (or is it amister?). In the past, I would not have examined those thoughts. I would have just "distanced" myself from him in my heart and mind, etc. (And that is actually what I did).

But in my attempts to live inside my body, and since that can get boring (with nothing to do inside there), I have begun to diligently examine my thoughts. (Or maybe a more accurate statement would be that I have gone to another level of examining my thoughts.)

Bottom line, I discovered that I did what I so often do ... I disapprove of my decisions, put that disapproval in his mind, reject him (for having my thoughts) and all is well ... until all is not well.

Lord help us not be ruled by our little (unexamined) stories.

Negotiable Identity

I have a theory that part of becoming mature means that we can pick up and lay down those parts of us that at one point, we considered nonnegotiable, i.e. our identity.

I have always considered genuineness to be nonnegotiable. To me, to choose to be "un-genuine" would have been the ultimate insult.

But that is exactly what I did last week end with great relish. The person I was with did not want/need genuineness. They wanted chattiness. So I gave them chattiness. We had a very pleasant time. No problems were solved, no intimacy was established, nothing of "value" was discussed.

That person gave me a gift. I passed through a previously impenetrable curtain - the curtain of a nonnegotiable identity. All things earthly are negotiable.

Depraved?

I'm not buying the "I'm not worthy" doctrine anymore. I'm not buying the "I'm depraved" doctrine. The doctrine may have had power because the logic may have been that if I wasn't depraved, then God could not be wonderful. In other words, we were taught that our very depravity made God look real good. His words were that even sinners love their friends, but only God-like people loved their enemies. So we had to become God's enemies in order to make God look good.

I'm not buying it.

But here is what I am buying. God has a lot more to offer than we can possibly absorb. Our capacity to absorb God needs altering. In that sense we are inadequate. We are broken, but that is universes away from depraved. A baby lacks the capacity to absorb all that it means to be adult, but that doesn't make a baby depraved.

(Wonder if I would change my mind if I had been the victim of a heinous culture or crime?)

The Overflow

There exists a "muscle" of sorts in one's soul that, when exercised, gets stronger. I can go places I was not able to go before because Muscle was exercised. I can call on Muscle and say, "Muscle, today the Unlovable is in our lives. How are we going to act/react? And Muscle will step forward, ready to do my bidding. I say, "Muscle, it feels better to love than to hate. It feels better to connect than to separate. It feels better to be cheerful than to be sullen." And Muscle enables me to love and to connect and to be cheerful. I do it for me and I do it for those around me - we enjoy.

Yes and No

So I've been puzzling over the phrase, "thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" and I've been wondering, exactly how are we suppose to know what it is like in heaven? What does His kingdom look like in heaven? What does His will look like in heaven? Isn't it logical that in order for earth to emulate heaven, we should know a little of what it is we have been commissioned to emulate? And if there is no way we can know what heaven is like, how (on earth) are we suppose to bring that "unknowableness" to earth?

So if I was in a room with myself and I was voicing that question, Myself would answer, "How many times did Jesus say, 'The kingdom of God is like ...'?" So yes, we don't know and yes, we have been told.

So then I wonder, well then, if we gathered together all the sayings of Jesus that said, "The kingdom of God is like ...." would we then have a picture of heaven? Or would we have a picture of "on earth as it is in heaven"?

Playing Around

I've been playing around with the concept of eternity, trying to "have eyes to see and ears to hear". It appears from what Jesus said, that who we are and what we do here on earth impacts how we experience eternity and it seems to have been important to Him that we know that.

I am also convinced that if I were God, I wouldn't want anyone to be my friend (be with me in heaven) as a result of fear. So I'm not sure how we "marry" obedience, mercy, responsibility, justice, grace etc. in eternity other than to say something like, "eternity is where your essence gets magnified".

Or maybe eternity is a Person and not a place. Maybe the closer we get to Him, the more we become who we are, for better or for worse.

Like I said, I've been playing around.

Together and That is Enough

I have a personal axiom for my life and that is that I am not able to love more than God loves. So when I experience my grand daughter lounging in my arms as Colin drives us around the land in our Gator, I am aware of a deep contentment in her and in me.

And I'm aware that likewise, God is deeply content when I lounge in His arms with no agenda to be better or to do better. He doesn't care that my dress has been spilled on or that my hair isn't combed or that I'm barefoot. We are together and that is enough.

The Power of the Gospel

I had a conversation with a good friend at work who is a died-in-the-wool-fundamentalist-burn-in-hell-Jesus-is-returning-tomorrow type of person. She asked me if I thought Jesus was returning soon and I told her,"We determine when He returns because we were given the earth." I told her, "When humans are Christ-like then that will constitute the "return" of Christ." And she said, "Well that will never happen" . And I told her, "You underestimated the power of the Gospel."

She underestimates the power of the Gospel because I'm not sure she has ever encountered the power of the Gospel. I'm not sure I have either.

Created Inadequate

I am always chagrined when I hear my friends talking about the things they tell their children to prepare them for life ... usually because I didn't tell my children those things and it would have been really good if I had.

So I'm continully bumping into my lack of "concreteness"; I'm continully bumping into the limits of "abstractness". Abstract parents are skimpy when it comes to giving their children practical advice.

So I feel the panic rise when I come face to face with my inadequacies. And then I "self soothe"; then I do for me what I would do for others. I comfort, I soothe.

I tell myself, "You're right - it really would have been better had you been better in that area. (I agree with my enemy.) But this is what it means to be interconnected. You now need others to give what you could not give to your children. We were made to be whole only in the context of others. This is what that truth feels like."

So I take a deep breath, release a sigh of relief and go my merry way, (almost).