Own the Yuck

My reality assumes there are certain people that don't especially like me (imagine that!). And even though the odds are such that that is true, I think there is a truer truth that is more helpful to me. The truer truth is that I take those parts of me that I don't like and give them to the people I assume don't like me. I don't know which happens first - I don't like them and then I give them the parts of me I don't want to claim or I give them the parts of me I don't want to claim and then I don't like them. Sorta like the Scape Goat Phenomena - give the poor animal your sins and then send him off into the desert to die.

So I often border on the flippant (which slides into a Knowitall - did you notice, I'm still trying not to own it by camouflaging the spelling?). I put the thought in their heads, "She's a Knowitall" and I have them rejecting me and that is how I go about handling the parts of me I don't like.

What to do? I suggest to myself not to shy away from these people because the odds are, this is my finaglings. I suggest to myself that it is okay to not want to Own the Yuck, but I might want to Own the Yuck anyway.

Alas and Alack Syndrome

So I'm imagining myself peaceful, with my eating and exercising as non-issues in my life and me with a sane job (and a few other things). And as I imagine myself this way, I am aware of a discomfort.  As I examine the discomfort, I have a niggling suspicion of what it  might be.

My niggling suspicion is that perhaps I need to feel bad. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feel normal. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feel like I'm a part of the human race. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to reinforce that I'm a Deep Person. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feed my (what I call) Alas and Alack Syndrome - that which I feel as I put the  back of my hand to my forehead, close my eyes, sigh, and say, "Alas and Alack - Woe Is Me " (or would have in a different century).

No cause for alarm here - just a gentle nudge for me to consider doing life a little differently, to consider that it might be all right to not feel bad. (Sigh)

Beauty Doesn't Deliver

So I decided to actually do what I had only thought of doing - I got down on my knees and thanked God for my holy cup of coffee.

I thanked the soil and the trees and the sun and the rain for nourishing the Coffee Tree. I thanked the people for having the farm and growing the trees and harvesting the beans. I thanked the ships and planes for transporting the beans. I thanked the people and the machinery who produced oil and gasoline so that food could be shipped. I thanked the scientists and the engineers who built the equipment that could transport the beans. I thanked the entrepreneurs who formed the businesses that would sell me the coffee.  I thanked the people who ran the stores and stocked the shelves. I thanked God for my health so I could go to the store to buy the beans. I thanked my husband whose work allows me to have a home to have a cup of coffee in.

Like I said, it is truly a holy cup of coffee. (And I was surprised that Beauty didn't deliver food???!!!)

Through the Eyes of Innocence

I have the gift/curse of being able to join people inside their skins. I often do this with my granddaughter - I look at the people in her life through her eyes. I find that she doesn't discriminate in the way she looks at and laughs with and engages the people in her life.

There is a part of me that on a subconscious level wants to say to Tavish, "Now Tavish, don't get close to him, he'll hurt you," and "Don't get close to her, she'll gossip about you," and "Don't trust that person, he'll lie to you" etc. In other words, don't love all the people in your life.

Who knows, maybe she wants to say to me, "Try it (try loving the people in your life indiscriminately) - you'll like it."

Ride that Dragon

Recently, I've had the sensation of riding my dragons. I find this interesting, because my metaphors have always involved me slaying my dragons, not riding them. The metaphor of learning to ride your dragon makes sense to me because occasionally, I find myself  battling dragons I thought I had slain.  But if I find myself in battle once more, maybe it is because I fell off their backs.

(There's something exhilarating about riding a dragon!)

A Holy Cup of Coffee

As I said before,  I was watching the program, "I Shouldn't Be Alive" in which this particular couple was stranded in an exquisite part of Out West. For some odd reason, I was stunned by the juxtaposition of its Beauty and the fact that this Beauty was not going to save this couple. (There was no food.)

Since then, I've had the urge to literally get down on my knees before I eat anything and hold the food up as Holy before God. I have become dull to all that is involved for me to nonchalantly consume miracle after miracle. In something as simple as a cup of coffee, I hold in my hands the efforts and offerings of hundreds and hundreds of people. I partake of miracles all day long.

When the Student is Ready

I've just gone through all the books I've accumulated over my various lifetimes and weeded out about half of them. I came across a slew of How-To Psychology books and I recalled the despair I felt when I first started reading those books some 20 years ago. I recalled the longing I felt to experience the change the writers had experienced. I recalled the frustration that change seemed to be possible for a few; but, oh well, not for me.

There is a sign inside Goodberry's on Spring Forest Road. It reads, "When the student is ready, the teacher will be found". When I first read that sign 20 years ago, I was not ready and there were no teachers. Ten years later, I can thank a Slew of Books for whetting my appetite, the School of Suffering for making me ready and a Group of Friends for being my teacher.

Learning Curves

Why is it that I always find myself at the bottom of a learning curve? Why is it that I'm never at the top of a learning curve? I've experienced so many learning curves (all initially daunting) and I've yet to remember a time when I said, "What a lovely view I'm experiencing here at the top of this learning curve!

Playing for Keeps

I was watching "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and this particular couple was stranded in a beautiful but desolate part of the US. The scenery was breathtaking and I was thinking that had I seen that particular view, it would have invoked thoughts of transcendence and grandeur and vastness and wonderfulness pertaining to our God. And had this couple eaten within the last 5 days, they also would probably have had a similar reaction.

But this breathtaking place was literally taking the "breath" from this couple - they were dying. It was not feeding them and it was not taking care of them and it literally did not care that they existed. Indeed, in just a few days, they would die.

So we pick and choose the messages nature gives us and we say, "This nature, this is our God". But we might do well to receive the whole message that nature gives us and that is that "evil" or the absence of compassion must be "managed" and managed well because it plays for keeps.

Our technology manages this absence of compassion in nature. We also must learn to protect ourselves from the absence of compassion in those around us. We must learn to manage evil around us - they also play for keeps.

Grace-Based

A friend and I are chuckling about a mutual friend who is one of those wacked Christians. I say to her that I love the fact that Christianity is grace-based. She asks what I mean and I say, "We have a religion that doesn't kill you when you make it look bad or when you insult it or when you abuse it or when you reject it or when you are whacked as a result of claiming it."

I continued to muse about our conversation and realized our religion reflects our God. Our God also will not kill you if you make "Him" look bad or when you insult Him or when you abuse Him or when you reject Him or when you are whacked as a result of claiming Him. We can also be thankful because our political system is based on our religion. Our justice system assumes innocence until proven guilty and is willing to let 10 guilty go free before sending one innocent to jail. All of these are reflections of a grace-based religion.

If you want to get close to a grace-based God, you have to be like Him - you have to be grace-based.

Intentional Living

So I'm playing a hymn on the piano and am aware that my body feels peaceful. The thought occurs to me, "You know Robin, you can feel this way all the time if you choose." And there is something inside of me that "leaps" with that thought, which causes me to give it more weight than I normally do.

I continue mulling - a body that feels peaceful on the inside can become my grid for decision making if I want it to. I immediately think about a useless argument I'm engaged in. My body is not peaceful and the argument is optional (and did I mention that I"m losing?). And when I imagine my self disengaging, my body feels peaceful.

So I put a sticky note with the words "peaceful body" on it and put it up where I can see it. (These days, in order to live intentionally, I need props.). And then, so that I don't set myself up for failure, I say that I will use a peaceful body as a grid for decision making - for today.

(If the sticky note stays up, then maybe I'll live intentionally one more day as well!)

Private/Public

So I go to the grocery store this morning and run 2(!) red lights! Scary! What was going on?

Granted, they were both turn signals and all the traffic beside me was going forward. But there was more going on.

I go to work at 3 a.m. If I'm running late and there are no cars around, a red light is not something I "bother" to stop for. Do you see where I'm headed with this?

I had "programmed" myself at 3 a.m. (in private) to consider red lights optional. And sure enough, I did the same thing (in public) at 10 on a Saturday morning.

Scripture says, what we do in private, we will do in public and what we do in small things, we will do in large things. It infers, that since this is the way we are wired (hence, a "given") take advantage of the "given" and only do those things in private that you want to be done in public.