Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Bad Movies We Subject Ourselves To

Some of the groups that I am a part of use the phrase, ".... or at least, that is the story I am telling myself." We say that in the context of how we experience life and tell our opinions and share our reactions etc. And it is a very helpful phrase. It reminds us that the way we experience life is often nothing more than "the stories we tell ourselves". (Implying that we can change our stories if we want to change our lives)

But I have gone a step further and given myself another metaphor. This metaphor is that my thoughts are not only stories, but movies that I produce and then sit down and watch.

So as I was falling asleep last night and thinking all the thoughts I think, I asked myself, "Is this the movie you want to produce and then sit down and watch?" And the answer was no, I would not pay to go to my "movie".

So as I was falling asleep, I practiced "being present". I shifted my point of reference from my head (thoughts) to my body. I shifted my point of gravity from my head to my gut and stayed there. And even though "being present" is a new practice and even though you will never see me on UTube as a master at this or teaching this (not having been at it for years), I can still benefit as though I were a master.

I turned my movie off.
I was present.
Good enough.
Or maybe very good.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Fascination

Growing is about to kill me.
And there is a very good reason that is true.
The reason is because it IS killing me or at least it is killing my ego.

And what I wasn't aware of before, is how much I love my ego; how much I really do want THAT to be the Real Me; how I would love for all the shadowy parts to go away and the good parts to stay and for that to be ME.

Why else do I so resist others experiencing my shadow side? Oh, I have  no problems talking to people about my shadow side, but for them to experience it "just about kills me".

Why is that?

Because I am identifying with my ego - that is the only Me and the only Me there is!

Or maybe not.

Maybe the time comes when we cease to be fascinated with the good and bad sides of our ego and we become fascinated with Another. Maybe at that point our egos just fade away, sorta like the shell of the acorn.


 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Giving My Worth Away to The List

As I become more and more observant of my inner world, I am finding that I have The List that defines whether I am doing well and whether life is good. And The List is not questioned. As far as The List is concerned, it is above reproach.

So I have been poking at The List recently, and I have found that it is really quite arbitrary. I can actually challenge it and/or ignore it and it has no power to punish me. You might say it has been all bluff.

The List says, did you accomplish such  and such? No. What about such and such? No. Did you do this? No. Did you do that? No.

In the past The List would have screamed, "Then you are not allowed to say that you are doing Great. You are not doing Great if you don't do the things on The List. You have to weigh a certain amount and you have to eat a certain way and you have to exercise a certain amount and you can't be triggered and if you are triggered you have to handle it well and you have to spend a certain amount of time with God and then, if you do all of the above, you may say you are doing Great!"

There is a growing strength in my body because there is (an appropriate) defiance of having my well-being defined by such a small thing - The List for heaven's sake!

When did I give my worth away to such a worthless evaluation!

(By the way, I am doing Great!)

Saturday, August 2, 2014

The Good Fight

2 Tim. 4:7 "I have fought the good fight. I have run the race that is set before me."

We all are born with a deficit that will haunt us until we address it. So we each have a different fight that we have to fight. We each have a different race that is set before us.

 Some will struggle with over-giving, some with over-achieving, some with over-identifying with their feelings, some with struggling with a sense of scarcity, with a sense of fear, with a need for over-stimulation, some with control, or lack thereof.

These are the places we find our identity; initially it is anywhere but God. And when we turn and face our deficit, it feels like death. And it is death.

So fighting the good fight means that we have experienced death and know that there is life on the other side. Fighting the good fight means that the next time we experience death (and there will be many) we still hate it and we still hurt and we still feel helpless, but we do so with a knowing that we can tap into Life at any point and Life will still be there, regardless of circumstances.

So fighting the good fight means we have wrestled death and we have pinned it and we are freed from identifying with identities that are too small for a life that keeps on growing.

There is something exhilarating about that.