Robin Camu

Yes? No?

2012-02-25T09:10:00.001-05:00

The decisions we make . . . from what we wear, to where we go, to who our friends are, to what our career will be, all emanate from our perceived/created identity. God says that we, to some degree, get to create our identity. We get to choose who we become. So either consciously or unconsciously, we continually express our perceived/created identity through the decisions we make.

So you can either go at this through the front door or you can go at this through the back door. You can look at the decisions you make and ask the question, "According to the decisions I make, who does that tell me I am?" or you can say, "I am SoAndSo, therefore I decide SuchAndSuch".

Recently, I did the latter. I was having a hard time making decisions concerning home and work and church. So I told myself, "You've got about 20 years left (maybe) . . . who do you want to be fore those 20 years?" (The identity question) And I answered myself and said, "I want to be Wisdom Woman" - (a created identity - something God (allows?) insists we do).

And then it wasn't hard at all to make the decisions I needed to make concerning time and money and people and places and jobs. (Of course, then one has to be willing to live with all the repercussions inherent in all the "no's" that accrue as a result of all the "yes-es".)

Prayer - Mutual Affection

2012-02-25T09:04:00.000-05:00

Prayer has sometimes been defined as "receiving the ever benevolent gaze of God, returning it in kind, mutually gazing and finally recognizing that it is one single gaze received and bounced back."

If that is true, then it makes sense that when I despair, I am neither giving nor receiving the benevolent gaze of God. When I fall into despair, I am saying on some level that life is hard, life will always be hard, and life is especially hard for me. But not only am I saying that life is hard, I am saying that the inherent in the hardness of life is a callousness from God. In other words, there is no "benevolent gazing" going on.

Through a great deal of training (as a result of desperation), I have learned to harness my thoughts. When I slide into despair, I ask myself, do you really want your energy to go in this direction? And since I really don't like despair, I have learned to literally stop despairing thoughts in their "tracks" and choose to enter into the "one single gaze received and bounced back".

First? Last?

2012-02-11T13:49:00.001-05:00

There is another way of looking at what Jesus meant when he said, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first," and that is . . . that there is no such thing as first and last.

Or . . . that they are such transient "places" that their sheer transience renders them irrelevant or obsolete.

Or . . . don't even bother to try and figure out first and last in yourself or in others because you don't have enough information.

Or . . . first and last are too temporal to pay any attention to or put any energy towards.

Or . . . did I say there were many ways of looking at what Jesus said?

FirstLastFirstLastFirstLast

2012-02-07T11:03:00.002-05:00

Jesus says that the first shall be last and the last shall be first (Matt. 20: 16). I'm sure there are many things to be learned from that truth,but one thing that strikes me that Jesus could be saying is .... learn to be at peace both in the last position and in the first position.

Learn to be comfortable being last. If one chooses to grow, then inherent in growing is that one begins in the Last Position. Someone has gone there before you - someone is in the metaphoric "first" position. If being last is something you cannot tolerate, then you will not be able to tolerate change and growth.

Learn to be comfortable being first. First is fun. First means you haven't exited. First means you're in this for the long haul. First means you are soon going to be last again.

What can one deduce from this? There is only one thing left to do - enjoy the ride.

Sweet Nothings

2012-02-03T12:29:00.004-05:00

My 3 year old granddaughter takes her time waking up on Sunday mornings. I usually go in, kneel by her Little-Car-Bed-Made-Just-For-Little-People, stroke her hair and say sweet nothings to her as she lies half awake. And as I was doing that to my granddaughter, I could imagine God expressing His heart towards me in a similar way - I could imagine Him kneeling beside me, stroking my hair and murmuring sweet nothings in my ear.

Later that day, as I sat outside, the warm breeze that tussled my hair was silky, smooth and sweet. The question that drifted over me was, "Is this You, Lord? Is this You stroking my hair and saying sweet nothings in inaudible tones that delight the soul?"

Intentional Cuddling

2012-01-28T15:15:00.006-05:00

Today, I found a sunny spot in my house, moved the furniture so that I could "curl up in the sun", and . . . curled up in the sun. And as I curled up, my thoughts went to cats and how that is what cats do - they find the most cuddly of spots and cuddle with themselves and with the sun. And when one observes cats snoozing in sunny spots, contentment seems to ooze from their furry paws.

With cats, it comes naturally. With humans, it doesn't come so naturally. We bypass a hundred invitations to cuddle or we fall for a hundred cheap imitations of cuddling. Jesus says if you choose to be an Intentional Cuddler with Him, the Son won't be taken from you (or at least, that is my rough translation of his conversation with Martha and Mary - Luke 10:40).

Surely Goodness and Mercy . . .

2012-01-26T10:39:00.000-05:00

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the courts of the Lord forever." Psalm 23

How do I know that Goodness and Mercy are following me?
By turning around and looking behind me.

Why do they follow me? Why don't they walk beside me?
They do, but in the Present, they often walk in disguise.

When they follow, they lose their disguise, especially if you gain perspective and maturity and wisdom and a little bit of revelation.

Fleshing Out the Essence

2012-01-25T10:16:00.000-05:00

As I was reading the Bible this morning, I read, "The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver refined from ore and purified seven times in the fire." Psalms 12:6. Anything that has been refined 7 times in the fire has been reduced to its essence. The Scriptures are the essence of truth. It is each generations responsibility to give the essence flesh and in doing so, will flesh out the essence.

Or you could say that the words in the Bible are written in code. Code is an easy way, a shortened way of expressing a complicated truth. If you mistake the code for the sum total of its meaning, you will stumble.

In addition to all this, have you ever been around friends who have been around each other a long time? Have you ever noticed they almost talk to each other in code?

Maybe the Bible is a book for friends from Friends..

The Way Home

2012-01-22T08:38:00.003-05:00

Every Saturday night I have the supreme pleasure of having my 2 year old granddaughter spend the night with me. Last night, when I tucked Tavish in bed, she said to me, "Pray, Mamie". Something inside of me wondered why would praying be important to a 2 year old? How does a 2 year old know what praying is? How does a 2 year old know who I'm talking to? Would her response be the same if instead of saying, "Dear Jesus, I pray that Tavish will know You and love You and obey You," I said, "Dear Santa Claus, help Tavish be good so she can get toys at Christmas!"? Would she say to me every Saturday night, "Talk to Santa Claus!"?

I don't think so. And yet, at this point, in her little mind, the words God and Jesus and Santa Claus can't possibly have any meaning to her - they are just sounds and names she has heard spoken.

And yet, she wants to talk to Jesus. Maybe something else is going on. Maybe the God Spirit in Tavish loves the God Spirit in Jesus, the God Spirit present in praying. Maybe there is Something in Tavish that recognizes the name of Jesus and recognizes her first Parent, her first Home and is wanting to find her way back Home through prayer.

Is that too much of a stretch? Cognitively it is, but Spiritually? No. Two year olds are closer to knowing The Way Home then we'll ever know.

Inevitable Fall(s)

2012-01-16T15:42:00.000-05:00

Sunday, we sang a song in church that said something to the effect that God keeps us from falling. That is shorthand for . . . we never fall so far that we can't be retrieved and brought to a level of life that is worth living. (See, it's a lot easier to say, "God keeps us from falling").

And even though it is easier to say - God keeps us from falling - if taken literally, it can become a real stumbling block when the inevitable fall comes.

We all fall. We either stumble because we are clumsy or we are pushed. And so the reality is, He doesn't keep us from falling. But what does He do? No matter how far or how long we fall, He is able and willing, on the other side of the fall, to bring us to a level of life that is worth living. Falls can not take away from us a life worth living.

God keeps us from falling.

Serenity

2012-01-15T09:18:00.000-05:00

Often, days and weeks after I go somewhere or read something or am with a friend, I find that some of the oddest things "stay in my spirit". Of course, at the moment, they meant nothing to me. But afterwards, I notice a "presence," a "remembrance," as I said, of the oddest things.

One of those "remembrances" was the memory of two older ladies sitting on a bench at the Rembrandt Exhibit. I saw them and what registered on my brain, was their serenity. I wondered what their journey to serenity was. But the thought went so fast and I was with others and had already lingered behind and so I hurried on.

But as the days went by, my mind went back, not to Rembrandt's genius, but to the serenity on those two older ladies' faces. I haven't nurtured serenity enough yet, for it to ooze from my face, but I'm facing the right direction.

Transported

2011-11-15T11:14:00.001-05:00

Wearisome heavinesses and exhausting anxieties and clutching panics cannot be moved and cannot be dissipated until they are forced into the medium of words. Once they are forced into the medium of words, they can be "transported" so to speak. You can pick them up and take them places - places outside of you - places like dumps and disposals.

Turning Enemies into Friends

2011-11-14T09:16:00.000-05:00

Psalm 23 says that God "prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies". So what/who are our enemies? An enemy could be the results of bad decisions and/or poor planning, bullies, poverty, sickness, dysfunctional character traits, bad habits, and/or emotional wounds. They look at me each day and say to me, "I'm going to make you miserable today."

This verse says one of the ways we keep our enemies from consuming us is by consuming what God prepares for us each day. In the Old Testament, it was called manna - the living word. This neutralizes any destruction our enemies have "planned". But it is a little unnerving. I'd rather be running or fighting in the presence of my enemies, not eating/resting/believing.

So how long does this eating-while-my-enemies-are-watching last? It lasts as long as it takes for you to make your enemy your friend. You conquer your enemies by making them your friends. You say to your enemies, "I bless you because your presence in my life has taught me to eat from God's table."

Delightful

2011-10-19T16:13:00.001-04:00

John, a friend of mine at work, is around 40, is married and has 2 children. He delights in telling me about how he's going to Greensboro to hear the "fastest guitar player " in the world and how he is going fishing the following weekend and what kind of tackle he's using, etc. I know God is giving me bits and pieces of His heart because when John is standing in front of me, radiating delight about guitars and fish, there is a corresponding delight in my heart about his delight. I can feel God delighting in John's delight. So I'm delighting in God . . . who is delighting in John . . . who is delighting in guitars and fish.

Great TV

2011-10-18T17:37:00.001-04:00

Oprah is such a sweet heart, but she is definitely a product of her times. The way she goes about "loving" people is wonderful showbiz and she even says that what she (Oprah) does she does because it makes her feel good.

The other day, she "loved" a lady who worked at Starbucks by giving her a house and toys and furniture for her and her 9 children/foster children. All I could think of is, who is going to pay the taxes on that increased wealth when Oprah leaves?

That same amount of money could have been spent on college or tech schools for all of them which would have then enabled her and her children to give themselves (and others) houses and toys and furniture. She could have "taught them to fish".

Instead, Oprah "gave her a fish" - but it made great TV and it made Oprah feel good.

Count the Cost

2011-10-15T12:51:00.003-04:00

There's a good reason why Scripture (Luke 14:28) admonishes us to "count the cost" before we go forward. One some level, we must think this admonishment is "just in case". But it is more likely because the chances are good we are going to have to pay that "cost".

I'm not sure why, when we end up "paying the cost" that that always catches us by surprise. On some level we must think that our good intentions will cause us to be immune to the viciousness of life.

Yes, dear one, the odds are in our favor that we will end up paying every penny and more, of the "cost".

A Little Perspective

2011-10-13T18:04:00.006-04:00

I don't know which confounds me more, Nature or my response to Nature.

So again, I'm watching "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and again, I'm watching myself feeling aghast at "Nature's" response or lack thereof, to man's dire straits. Pelvic bones are smashed, temperatures are below zero, 8 miles have to be crawled etc. and Nature sends blizzards!

And it is slowly dawning on me why up till this last generation, mankind gladly and relentlessly strove to conquer and dominate Nature. After all, She (or He) was merciless towards man to the point of death. (And without remorse!)

Technology has just recently defanged Nature so that the Likes of Me could smile romantically at birds and flowers and clouds and katydids and breezes and call Nature Good and maybe even God. Maybe technology is what is Good or even God - JUST KIDDING!

. . . just a little perspective.

"Strandbeests"

2011-10-06T13:34:00.002-04:00

Theo Jansen builds "Strandbeests" and puts them on the beaches of Holland. He calls himself a kinetic sculptor and artist. He has developed his "creatures" to such a degree that they can move and respond to the environment without him. The creation does not need the creator in order to exist.

How like our Creator. He has created us in such a way that we can move and respond to our environment and can do so, without Him. Such is the essence of free will. Free will says you may exist without Me.

And . . . such is the backdrop for love. The Cosmic Setup says, now if you choose to come to Me, it will be from desire, not from lack of choice.

Dead Serious Refining

2011-09-29T09:56:00.002-04:00

My sister's friend's house burned down in the recent Texas' fires. The friend and her husband were very wealthy and very godly. Had they not been seasoned saints, the "oddity" of the fact that the house next door was unscathed, could have been more than vexing.

After combing through the ashes, the only things they found were 3 ceramic plates that had these words, "I Love You" on them.

Do you think there was any significance in that? They did. In the midst of the shock and sorrow of it all, they sense that their God is with them. In the midst of the shock and sorrow of it all, they sense they are to rebuild, but this time, a much simpler life.

I am awed by the seriousness with which the "refining fire" goes about accomplishing It's purposes in our lives.

Hold Fast

2011-09-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

I often ask myself the question, Is this the abundant life? Is the life I'm living, abundant? In other words, is there validity to the claim that an abundant life can be found in Christ Jesus?

I was watching the movie, "Moneyball," in which the General Manager of the Minor League Baseball Team, the Oakland Athletics, and his Assistant were one of the first to commit their futures and the future of the team to an Abstract Truth. The Abstract Truth happened to be, Statistics Don't Lie, but that is beside the point.

After they did that, nothing seemed to verify that their Truth was true. (They lost 8 games in a row). At that point, the Assistant Manager (the statistician) said, "The sample pool is too small to draw any conclusions from." In other words, hold the course - your Truth is true.

I think our days are similar. It takes a while for the sample pool of our days to grow in order for us to experience Christ's claims. My latter days are more peaceful and more serene and more joyful than my former days. We need Statisticians to remind us that our Truth is true and to hold fast till our sample days grow.

How Does Change Happen?

2011-09-17T08:47:00.002-04:00

I come from a Charismatic background in which one of the tenets is that God heals us (changes us) through prayer, through the laying on of hands, and through fasting (an apophatic approach to God). Somewhere inside of me, the truth that God heals supernaturally slid from that (appropriate) position to the (not appropriate) position that that is the only legitimate way that change occurs and if you seek any other way, you have dishonored God, you've abdicated, you've failed.

So as a Counselor, I ponder a lot how change happens. After all, people are coming to me for guidance in, how does one change? I've concluded that God does heal supernaturally in the area of emotions just like He heals supernaturally our physical bodies. But just like physical healings are rare, so are emotional healings rare. But if my clients want to go the supernatural route, I encourage them to do that.

But if they don't want to go that route, I am grateful that God has given all of us the ability to change by changing our thoughts. We don't have to go to meetings and wait for The Spirit that seems to "move" on some and not on others. When we change our thoughts, we change our actions. When we change our actions, we change our habits. When we change our habits, we change our character. When we change our character, we change our destiny - a sure way of "salvation".

As the Charismatics would say,"Thank you, Jesus!"

Christ Came as a Firefighter

2011-09-11T15:48:00.002-04:00

I'm watching a 9/11 documentary about the audio record left by the people in the Twin Towers. One of the audio records was from the only firefighter who made it to the point of impact on the 78th floor.

Of course, as we watch the arrows ascend up the building as he reports his progress on his radio in climbing the stairs, we are sick to our stomachs because we are all aware that he is racing to his death. At some moment, he bursts through a door and I can only imagine the relief the people on that floor felt as they watched someone emerge from "out there".

Like the firefighter, Christ rushes "up the stairs" to our side at our point of need. Like the firefighter, Christ suffers as a result of caring enough to intervene. Like the firefighter, He dies with us. Unlike the firefighter, He invites us to live with him after death.

We are not alone. There is nothing wrong with us because we are in pain, because we have fear, because we are insecure. Christ rushes to our side from the Outside, from eternity, tells us we are not alone, tells us this is not the end of the story, tells us He cares,.

Totally Daunting

2011-09-07T16:29:00.000-04:00

I have been wrestling my mind into "submission" and am still daunted by what it is I'm wrestling. The layers seem to never end and each layer struts with assurance that it's story is reality and there is no other story and therefore I'm doomed.

For instance, when I'm told that the daughter of a friend is getting married to her sweetheart, I feel flaming darts through my heart. If I gave thoughts to those darts, my thoughts would say, "You were never loved like that. You were never adored like that."

The wrestling happens when I challenge that reality - I argue - I come up against my identity (the Unloved One) - I exhort myself and say, "Truth says that you can experience love two ways - you can be loved and/or you can love."

I remind myself that I can experience love, by being loving - something I have total control over. Ahhh, but the wrestling, the grappling, the taking of the "thought" by the throat and saying, you are a lie at worst and a half truth at best. I will not be tormented by you. Totally daunting.

(And by the way, it works.)

Savoring - Giving Oneself Moments of Pleasure

2011-09-03T12:06:00.005-04:00

One of the tenets of Intuitive Eating is learning to savor ones food - consciously being aware of the food's texture and color and taste as you eat it. This takes learning a new skill set and this new skill set takes time and it takes attention.

As I put down my books and allow myself to be aware of the tastes and textures of food, I am giving myself moments of pleasure, what food was suppose to be in addition to energy-gathering.

As I'm giving myself moments of pleasure by way of savoring my food, I am also aware that this same skill set can be used in other times of my life. I can enrich my life by savoring the cicadas' chatter, by savoring my granddaughter's glee, and by savoring my ability to walk without pain.

As I contemplate my future, I remind myself that my future can consist of a plethora a moments that are savor-able. What a wonderful future is mine - one I give myself and no one and nothing can take away from me!

A Real Meanie

2011-08-20T17:14:00.002-04:00

"Make friends with your opponent quickly while he is taking you to court or he will hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer and the officer will throw you into prison. You will not get out until you have paid the last penny." Matt. 5:25

This might be a stretch and it might not be.

But I am making friends with the Critical Voice ( my opponent) quickly these days because the Critical Voice has the power to take me to court and hand me over to the judge and the judge to the officer and before I know it, I'm in a prison of condemnation and will stay there until I pay the last penny my judgment against me requires. And it is never satisfied. And that Critical Voice/Judge/Officer is not a nice person.

You can bet my Critical Voice can hardly accuse me of anything that I don't agree with quickly and then soothe her criticalness with acceptance and patience and explanations and kindness and sometimes a little humor.

We make friends quickly.

Foibles and Baubles

2011-08-20T16:40:00.004-04:00

Because my granddaughter is surrounded by beau coup of aunts and uncles, I am finding I have a lot of "competition" for her attention/affection. In fact, not surprisingly, I'm totally ignored by her when they are around.

Initially, that took some getting use to. (I was use to being the Queen Bee with my little ones.) But because I am a Big Girl and because I understand life, I willingly wait until no one is around and then I know I'll have Grandmother/Granddaughter Time.

I am watching myself do the same thing to God. I give Him time and attention when I am not distracted by all the Foibles and Baubles of Life. I give Him time and attention after I finally exhaust all of my Distractions and have nothing left but Him.,

Not a point for condemnation - mainly observation and the suspicion that He's a Big Boy and will wait. Still, I'm not 2 and I'd prefer to treat Him better.

Exiting Sanctification

2011-08-01T17:36:00.001-04:00

The Person You Marry is the tool you offer up to God to fashion you into His likeness. That is why marriage is a Sacrament. A Sacrament is something that sanctifies.

Likewise, if you are not married, your Not Married State is the tool you offer up to God to fashion you into His likeness.

Did you really think that being sanctified was going to feel good all the time?

Did you really think that being fashioned into His likeness was going to feel good all the time?

That is why one doesn't exit just because one is not feeling good, else we exit sanctification.

Own the Yuck

2011-07-24T09:42:00.000-04:00

My reality assumes there are certain people that don't especially like me (imagine that!). And even though the odds are such that that is true, I think there is a truer truth that is more helpful to me. The truer truth is that I take those parts of me that I don't like and give them to the people I assume don't like me. I don't know which happens first - I don't like them and then I give them the parts of me I don't want to claim or I give them the parts of me I don't want to claim and then I don't like them. Sorta like the Scape Goat Phenomena - give the poor animal your sins and then send him off into the desert to die.

So I often border on the flippant (which slides into a Knowitall - did you notice, I'm still trying not to own it by camouflaging the spelling?). I put the thought in their heads, "She's a Knowitall" and I have them rejecting me and that is how I go about handling the parts of me I don't like.

What to do? I suggest to myself not to shy away from these people because the odds are, this is my finaglings. I suggest to myself that it is okay to not want to Own the Yuck, but I might want to Own the Yuck anyway.

Alas and Alack Syndrome

2011-07-20T17:39:00.002-04:00

So I'm imagining myself peaceful, with my eating and exercising as non-issues in my life and me with a sane job (and a few other things). And as I imagine myself this way, I am aware of a discomfort. As I examine the discomfort, I have a niggling suspicion of what it might be.

My niggling suspicion is that perhaps I need to feel bad. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feel normal. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feel like I'm a part of the human race. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to reinforce that I'm a Deep Person. Perhaps I need to feel bad in order to feed my (what I call) Alas and Alack Syndrome - that which I feel as I put the back of my hand to my forehead, close my eyes, sigh, and say, "Alas and Alack - Woe Is Me " (or would have in a different century).

No cause for alarm here - just a gentle nudge for me to consider doing life a little differently, to consider that it might be all right to not feel bad. (Sigh)

Beauty Doesn't Deliver

2011-07-17T07:58:00.001-04:00

So I decided to actually do what I had only thought of doing - I got down on my knees and thanked God for my holy cup of coffee.

I thanked the soil and the trees and the sun and the rain for nourishing the Coffee Tree. I thanked the people for having the farm and growing the trees and harvesting the beans. I thanked the ships and planes for transporting the beans. I thanked the people and the machinery who produced oil and gasoline so that food could be shipped. I thanked the scientists and the engineers who built the equipment that could transport the beans. I thanked the entrepreneurs who formed the businesses that would sell me the coffee. I thanked the people who ran the stores and stocked the shelves. I thanked God for my health so I could go to the store to buy the beans. I thanked my husband whose work allows me to have a home to have a cup of coffee in.

Like I said, it is truly a holy cup of coffee. (And I was surprised that Beauty didn't deliver food???!!!)

Through the Eyes of Innocence

2011-07-16T10:01:00.001-04:00

I have the gift/curse of being able to join people inside their skins. I often do this with my granddaughter - I look at the people in her life through her eyes. I find that she doesn't discriminate in the way she looks at and laughs with and engages the people in her life.

There is a part of me that on a subconscious level wants to say to Tavish, "Now Tavish, don't get close to him, he'll hurt you," and "Don't get close to her, she'll gossip about you," and "Don't trust that person, he'll lie to you" etc. In other words, don't love all the people in your life.

Who knows, maybe she wants to say to me, "Try it (try loving the people in your life indiscriminately) - you'll like it."

Ride that Dragon

2011-07-15T09:11:00.000-04:00

Recently, I've had the sensation of riding my dragons. I find this interesting, because my metaphors have always involved me slaying my dragons, not riding them. The metaphor of learning to ride your dragon makes sense to me because occasionally, I find myself battling dragons I thought I had slain. But if I find myself in battle once more, maybe it is because I fell off their backs.

(There's something exhilarating about riding a dragon!)

A Holy Cup of Coffee

2011-07-14T16:38:00.003-04:00

As I said before, I was watching the program, "I Shouldn't Be Alive" in which this particular couple was stranded in an exquisite part of Out West. For some odd reason, I was stunned by the juxtaposition of its Beauty and the fact that this Beauty was not going to save this couple. (There was no food.)

Since then, I've had the urge to literally get down on my knees before I eat anything and hold the food up as Holy before God. I have become dull to all that is involved for me to nonchalantly consume miracle after miracle. In something as simple as a cup of coffee, I hold in my hands the efforts and offerings of hundreds and hundreds of people. I partake of miracles all day long.

When the Student is Ready

2011-07-13T14:37:00.000-04:00

I've just gone through all the books I've accumulated over my various lifetimes and weeded out about half of them. I came across a slew of How-To Psychology books and I recalled the despair I felt when I first started reading those books some 20 years ago. I recalled the longing I felt to experience the change the writers had experienced. I recalled the frustration that change seemed to be possible for a few; but, oh well, not for me.

There is a sign inside Goodberry's on Spring Forest Road. It reads, "When the student is ready, the teacher will be found". When I first read that sign 20 years ago, I was not ready and there were no teachers. Ten years later, I can thank a Slew of Books for whetting my appetite, the School of Suffering for making me ready and a Group of Friends for being my teacher.

Learning Curves

2011-07-11T08:54:00.000-04:00

Why is it that I always find myself at the bottom of a learning curve? Why is it that I'm never at the top of a learning curve? I've experienced so many learning curves (all initially daunting) and I've yet to remember a time when I said, "What a lovely view I'm experiencing here at the top of this learning curve!

Playing for Keeps

2011-07-10T11:59:00.001-04:00

I was watching "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and this particular couple was stranded in a beautiful but desolate part of the US. The scenery was breathtaking and I was thinking that had I seen that particular view, it would have invoked thoughts of transcendence and grandeur and vastness and wonderfulness pertaining to our God. And had this couple eaten within the last 5 days, they also would probably have had a similar reaction.

But this breathtaking place was literally taking the "breath" from this couple - they were dying. It was not feeding them and it was not taking care of them and it literally did not care that they existed. Indeed, in just a few days, they would die.

So we pick and choose the messages nature gives us and we say, "This nature, this is our God". But we might do well to receive the whole message that nature gives us and that is that "evil" or the absence of compassion must be "managed" and managed well because it plays for keeps.

Our technology manages this absence of compassion in nature. We also must learn to protect ourselves from the absence of compassion in those around us. We must learn to manage evil around us - they also play for keeps.

Grace-Based

2011-07-09T08:19:00.002-04:00

A friend and I are chuckling about a mutual friend who is one of those wacked Christians. I say to her that I love the fact that Christianity is grace-based. She asks what I mean and I say, "We have a religion that doesn't kill you when you make it look bad or when you insult it or when you abuse it or when you reject it or when you are whacked as a result of claiming it."

I continued to muse about our conversation and realized our religion reflects our God. Our God also will not kill you if you make "Him" look bad or when you insult Him or when you abuse Him or when you reject Him or when you are whacked as a result of claiming Him. We can also be thankful because our political system is based on our religion. Our justice system assumes innocence until proven guilty and is willing to let 10 guilty go free before sending one innocent to jail. All of these are reflections of a grace-based religion.

If you want to get close to a grace-based God, you have to be like Him - you have to be grace-based.

Intentional Living

2011-07-06T09:14:00.001-04:00

So I'm playing a hymn on the piano and am aware that my body feels peaceful. The thought occurs to me, "You know Robin, you can feel this way all the time if you choose." And there is something inside of me that "leaps" with that thought, which causes me to give it more weight than I normally do.

I continue mulling - a body that feels peaceful on the inside can become my grid for decision making if I want it to. I immediately think about a useless argument I'm engaged in. My body is not peaceful and the argument is optional (and did I mention that I"m losing?). And when I imagine my self disengaging, my body feels peaceful.

So I put a sticky note with the words "peaceful body" on it and put it up where I can see it. (These days, in order to live intentionally, I need props.). And then, so that I don't set myself up for failure, I say that I will use a peaceful body as a grid for decision making - for today.

(If the sticky note stays up, then maybe I'll live intentionally one more day as well!)

Private/Public

2011-07-02T11:35:00.000-04:00

So I go to the grocery store this morning and run 2(!) red lights! Scary! What was going on?

Granted, they were both turn signals and all the traffic beside me was going forward. But there was more going on.

I go to work at 3 a.m. If I'm running late and there are no cars around, a red light is not something I "bother" to stop for. Do you see where I'm headed with this?

I had "programmed" myself at 3 a.m. (in private) to consider red lights optional. And sure enough, I did the same thing (in public) at 10 on a Saturday morning.

Scripture says, what we do in private, we will do in public and what we do in small things, we will do in large things. It infers, that since this is the way we are wired (hence, a "given") take advantage of the "given" and only do those things in private that you want to be done in public.

The Way of Compassion

2011-06-25T07:55:00.001-04:00

I live in emotional pain. All the institutions in my life plus my own desires, tell me that if I don't change the circumstances in my life and resolve this emotional pain, then something is wrong with me. The church tells me if I have emotional pain then there is sin in my life. The psychology profession tells me if I have emotional pain and I don't do anything about it, then I'm in denial or I'm avoidant. I tell myself - "I'm not being a good manager, I'm weak, I'm a coward, I'm lazy, I'm defective, I have no business telling others anything because I haven't 'dealt' with the emotional pain in my own life" etc.

The "way" of compassion puts her arm around me and says, "Okay dear one, let's live graciously and kindly beside this emotional pain. Let's put our arms around her and say, "I'll live with you until I grow enough to know how to deal with you. When I have expanded enough to know what to do with you, I'll do it. In the meantime, you are not my enemy. I will live with you, waiting for all the 'organisms' in the universe to open up another way for me to live. I will "look to Jesus" and wait, loving me, loving my emotional pain, loving 'my' life - emotional pain and all.

And then something inside of me relaxes, and that tells me I'm on the right path.

Enjoy!

2011-06-17T09:06:00.000-04:00

I consider grace to be like Christ steadying the bicycle that I'm learning to ride. He fully expects me to be able to ride on my own some day, but in the meantime, there are bubbles, pockets of experiences, freebies while we learn new skill sets, new ways of doing life, new ways of managing our strengths and weaknesses, new ways of being a better manager of ourselves, our treasure.

Grace makes us feel like we are pros at riding bicycles. Grace makes us feel like we've arrived, like we already know everything we need to do life well.

Enjoy!

From Glory to Glory

2011-06-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

So I was mulling over the song "from glory to glory He's changing me" (taken from 1 Cor. 3:18) when I realized that I never consider the place that I'm in right now as a place that is full of glory. In other words, if, as Scripture says, that we are "changed from glory to glory", then that infers that we move from a glorious place to a glorious place, which infers that the place that I'm in right now is glorious.

Another way of saying that is . . . that who I am, right now, is glorious (acceptable, desirable, enjoyed by God). (After all, we don't live in places, we live in bodies.)

Recently, I moved away from a place of cherishing who I am and where I am and was almost immobilized by the crashing of rejection/scorn/contempt. It lasted 2 days and was such a sobering, painful experience, that it made me realize that cherishing/enjoying my present "glory", my present (albeit incomplete) state, was not to be taken lightly.

Dissolved into Irrelevancy

2011-06-14T12:15:00.001-04:00

"So I set my face" towards change and growth and was walloped by hopeless/helpless blankets of emotion. And of course, at the time, it was not emotion; it was reality. What I am feeling is who I am and always has been.

That's not a problem except when what I am feeling is more than I can take; except when what I am feeling takes more courage than I have; except when what I am feeling immobilizes me. (No wonder people don't feel their feelings. They don't have the skills to know what to do with them when they are overwhelmed by them!)

So I am meditating with our Sunday night group, and God says so simply, "Just because you are feeling hopeless doesn't mean you (as in, identity) are hopeless." And I thought, "Oh, that's right. My feelings are not an accurate protrayal of my identity. I can feel hopeless and it just be a feeling. I can feel hopeless and that doesn't mean that Robin is hopeless."

So I put my metaphoric arms around my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and hold them close until they dissolve into irrelevancy.

Immature?

2011-06-13T08:56:00.001-04:00

I was lamenting to a friend about how immature I was. When she asked what I meant, I told her about my immature reaction to a criticism lobbied against a group I was a part of. She so wonderfully pointed out that a person can react immaturely but not be an immature person. And because I have become so wonderfully teachable and because I love life/light/truth and because I especially love life/light/truth that makes me look good, I immediately abandoned the woe-is-me-I'm-so-immature-way of thinking.

She is right - one can have an immature reaction and that not mean she is immature.
Thank you God - thank you friends.

But/And/Or/ Maybe

2011-06-05T09:03:00.002-04:00

So I'm watching a Flash Mob Dance in Belgium on UTube and I'm wondering why my spirit gets so happy/excited about these kinds of things. Part of it is just me, I'm sure, because I love to dance.

But . . . maybe it's because Flash Mob Dancing "fleshes out" an underlying truth that there is an underlying music that we all dance to. And the unconscious part of us knows it and then lo and behold, what we've always suspected actually happens in front of our very noses!

And . . . maybe it's that we all want to dance together with strangers in a harmonious way.

Or . . . maybe it is affirming the whimsical part of life that gets so shunted to the side - the lightning bug- butterfly-baby-part of life.

Maybe . . . it allows us to make-believe/pretend that there are some things in life that we don't have to work at and they just appear whole and ready made.

Whatever the case, the day might come that you turn on UTube, and there I'll be . . . Flash Mob dancing in Belgium!

Lost

2011-06-04T18:16:00.000-04:00

"Lord, sometimes I feel lost."

"It's because My arms are so big that you feel lost. But the reality is . . you are lost in My arms."

Gift of Hell

2011-06-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

The first hell I had to learn to conquer and neutralize lasted 30 years. The next hell lasted 10 years. I expect the next hell to last 3 years and the final one will last 1 year. Because my arsenal and my skill set keeps growing and growing, there will soon be no set of circumstances that I will experience as "hellish".

And what will be the pay off? What will be the reward for all my hard work? What will be the gift of all these hells?

Learning that indeed, "Nothing outside of you can ever give you what you are looking for." The gift of hell is learning how to come home to me; learning that I am the treasure; learning that I am the reward. How can it be otherwise?

Little Stories in (Little) Brains

2011-05-31T16:19:00.000-04:00

So I have this little story going on in my (little) brain and that is that my Rational Cousin disapproves of some of the decisions I have made and are making. He has never said anything, but I just know him and have listened to him for enough years to (supposedly) know what he is thinking.

That should be the first clue that my thinking is amiss (or is it amister?). In the past, I would not have examined those thoughts. I would have just "distanced" myself from him in my heart and mind, etc. (And that is actually what I did).

But in my attempts to live inside my body, and since that can get boring (with nothing to do inside there), I have begun to diligently examine my thoughts. (Or maybe a more accurate statement would be that I have gone to another level of examining my thoughts.)

Bottom line, I discovered that I did what I so often do ... I disapprove of my decisions, put that disapproval in his mind, reject him (for having my thoughts) and all is well ... until all is not well.

Lord help us not be ruled by our little (unexamined) stories.

Negotiable Identity

2011-05-28T14:17:00.000-04:00

I have a theory that part of becoming mature means that we can pick up and lay down those parts of us that at one point, we considered nonnegotiable, i.e. our identity.

I have always considered genuineness to be nonnegotiable. To me, to choose to be "un-genuine" would have been the ultimate insult.

But that is exactly what I did last week end with great relish. The person I was with did not want/need genuineness. They wanted chattiness. So I gave them chattiness. We had a very pleasant time. No problems were solved, no intimacy was established, nothing of "value" was discussed.

That person gave me a gift. I passed through a previously impenetrable curtain - the curtain of a nonnegotiable identity. All things earthly are negotiable.

Depraved?

2011-05-27T11:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not buying the "I'm not worthy" doctrine anymore. I'm not buying the "I'm depraved" doctrine. The doctrine may have had power because the logic may have been that if I wasn't depraved, then God could not be wonderful. In other words, we were taught that our very depravity made God look real good. His words were that even sinners love their friends, but only God-like people loved their enemies. So we had to become God's enemies in order to make God look good.

I'm not buying it.

But here is what I am buying. God has a lot more to offer than we can possibly absorb. Our capacity to absorb God needs altering. In that sense we are inadequate. We are broken, but that is universes away from depraved. A baby lacks the capacity to absorb all that it means to be adult, but that doesn't make a baby depraved.

(Wonder if I would change my mind if I had been the victim of a heinous culture or crime?)

The Overflow

2011-05-24T13:36:00.000-04:00

There exists a "muscle" of sorts in one's soul that, when exercised, gets stronger. I can go places I was not able to go before because Muscle was exercised. I can call on Muscle and say, "Muscle, today the Unlovable is in our lives. How are we going to act/react? And Muscle will step forward, ready to do my bidding. I say, "Muscle, it feels better to love than to hate. It feels better to connect than to separate. It feels better to be cheerful than to be sullen." And Muscle enables me to love and to connect and to be cheerful. I do it for me and I do it for those around me - we enjoy.

Yes and No

2011-05-19T10:45:00.000-04:00

So I've been puzzling over the phrase, "thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" and I've been wondering, exactly how are we suppose to know what it is like in heaven? What does His kingdom look like in heaven? What does His will look like in heaven? Isn't it logical that in order for earth to emulate heaven, we should know a little of what it is we have been commissioned to emulate? And if there is no way we can know what heaven is like, how (on earth) are we suppose to bring that "unknowableness" to earth?

So if I was in a room with myself and I was voicing that question, Myself would answer, "How many times did Jesus say, 'The kingdom of God is like ...'?" So yes, we don't know and yes, we have been told.

So then I wonder, well then, if we gathered together all the sayings of Jesus that said, "The kingdom of God is like ...." would we then have a picture of heaven? Or would we have a picture of "on earth as it is in heaven"?

Playing Around

2011-05-18T08:59:00.000-04:00

I've been playing around with the concept of eternity, trying to "have eyes to see and ears to hear". It appears from what Jesus said, that who we are and what we do here on earth impacts how we experience eternity and it seems to have been important to Him that we know that.

I am also convinced that if I were God, I wouldn't want anyone to be my friend (be with me in heaven) as a result of fear. So I'm not sure how we "marry" obedience, mercy, responsibility, justice, grace etc. in eternity other than to say something like, "eternity is where your essence gets magnified".

Or maybe eternity is a Person and not a place. Maybe the closer we get to Him, the more we become who we are, for better or for worse.

Like I said, I've been playing around.

Together and That is Enough

2011-05-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

I have a personal axiom for my life and that is that I am not able to love more than God loves. So when I experience my grand daughter lounging in my arms as Colin drives us around the land in our Gator, I am aware of a deep contentment in her and in me.

And I'm aware that likewise, God is deeply content when I lounge in His arms with no agenda to be better or to do better. He doesn't care that my dress has been spilled on or that my hair isn't combed or that I'm barefoot. We are together and that is enough.

The Power of the Gospel

2011-05-14T12:28:00.001-04:00

I had a conversation with a good friend at work who is a died-in-the-wool-fundamentalist-burn-in-hell-Jesus-is-returning-tomorrow type of person. She asked me if I thought Jesus was returning soon and I told her,"We determine when He returns because we were given the earth." I told her, "When humans are Christ-like then that will constitute the "return" of Christ." And she said, "Well that will never happen" . And I told her, "You underestimated the power of the Gospel."

She underestimates the power of the Gospel because I'm not sure she has ever encountered the power of the Gospel. I'm not sure I have either.

Created Inadequate

2011-05-14T08:28:00.000-04:00

I am always chagrined when I hear my friends talking about the things they tell their children to prepare them for life ... usually because I didn't tell my children those things and it would have been really good if I had.

So I'm continully bumping into my lack of "concreteness"; I'm continully bumping into the limits of "abstractness". Abstract parents are skimpy when it comes to giving their children practical advice.

So I feel the panic rise when I come face to face with my inadequacies. And then I "self soothe"; then I do for me what I would do for others. I comfort, I soothe.

I tell myself, "You're right - it really would have been better had you been better in that area. (I agree with my enemy.) But this is what it means to be interconnected. You now need others to give what you could not give to your children. We were made to be whole only in the context of others. This is what that truth feels like."

So I take a deep breath, release a sigh of relief and go my merry way, (almost).

Desire

2011-02-26T16:03:00.001-05:00

Most people find desire in someone's eyes irresistible. Wonder why we find God's desire for us so resistible? Why do we fight to the death, God's desire for us? Why is He so humble that He would be so willing to be so vulnerable? If I make myself vulnerable and you reject me, I'm outa here. But God continually makes Himself vulnerable and we continually reject Him and He still is not "outa here".

Or maybe we don't recognize the Cloud and the Fire as being God's desire, God's wooing.

Bragging Rights

2011-02-23T16:11:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting that God seems to have a higher opinion of man than man gives Him credit for. For instance, in the exchange between God and Satan, God praises Job for being such a good person. Job 1:8 Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

And yet if I had been asked to guess what God's opinion of man was or to guess what He told Satan, I would have guessed it would have been, "Yes, Job is like the rest of humanity, he has fallen short of my glory, but I love him." Yet here we have God saying about a person, that he is blameless and upright.

Who knows, you might be surprised at what God thinks of you - He might be bragging about you to the Powers that Be, "Look at my servant, she is blameless and upright - she respects Me and shuns evil!

(I'm thinking the writers should get together and decide once and for all what God thinks about man.)

Thoughts Based on Truth

2011-02-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

So how do we know which of our thoughts are true and which of our thoughts are not true? Or another way to say this is . . . how do we know which of our thoughts are based on Truth?

These days, I determine the veracity of my thoughts by whether or not I have energy/strength when those thoughts present themselves. So for instance, if the fog characterized by "I'm so lazy I never get anything done" engulfs me and the result is I have no energy/strength and I am demoralized, the odds are that those thoughts are not thoughts based on Truth - I might not be getting anything done, but it is not because I'm lazy.

Or you can also come to truth through the back door. I note when I have energy/strength and then I work backwards and track what my thoughts were during that time of energy/strength.

This is another example of what Scripture means when it says, "I set before you life and death, choose life that you my live." Choose thoughts that give you strength and energy - choose life.

Getting Away with Murder

2011-02-16T12:37:00.000-05:00

You've heard it said, "Be like Christ". But I'm thinking, if you are like Christ, than the people around you will get away with murder.

Insignificant Failures

2011-02-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

I imagined I had died and had been in heaven for a while when Jesus came strolling by. He stopped, He lingered, He sat on a rock and we chatted. After a while He said, “So, tell me about your life on earth.” And I said, “Well, if you strip everything away I failed.’ And He said, “All have failed”. And I remembered the Scripture that said, “All have sinned.” It’s like He was saying, “No big deal – that is true of everyone. Now tell me something else, something interesting.” Somehow from that perspective, my failures lost their significance.

Relax in Perfection

2011-02-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Jesus didn't stop being who He had been for 29 years when he went into "public ministry". He was just as "Divine" at 10 as He was at 20 as He was at 33. Yet this divinity was described by his peers as (paraphrased) "progressing nicely and people liking Him". How ordinary! In fact, he was so ordinary that His divinity was never seen except by revelation. How does one hide divinity? How does one hide perfection?

Well maybe divinity/perfection is not halos and feather wings and speaking with a lisp (thee's and thou's - just kidding). Maybe divinity/perfection means a continual growing in the right direction and snuggling up to God. Maybe doing everything right and avoiding doing anything wrong has nothing to do with being Divine or perfect.

So if our core passion is to know Him, if our core hope is to be like Him and if being like the Divine is perfection and if perfection is progression and snuggling up to God, can we relax? If He is relaxed, can we relax?

Pleasant Reward

2011-02-10T12:21:00.000-05:00

What is the reward for being a pleasant person? Well, who is it that you live with? You live with yourself! So if yourself is pleasant, you get to live with a pleasant person!

Shimmering Shout of Glory

2011-02-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

Not only are we significant as individuals, but we are also significant corporately. We are part of a larger picture. The analogy that comes to mind is the analogy of a sparkle on the ocean. Sometimes when I see myself as a sparkle on the ocean, I can imagine being concerned about how wide my sparkle is, whether or not my sparkle is growing or if my sparkle is diminishing, whether or not holes are appearing in my sparkle, which direction I am drifting etc. And because I can't stand on the shore and see the shimmering shout of glory that the mass of sparkles produce, I forget that I am not ultimately the point. What I am part of is the point - together we reflect the glory of God. Who I am is eclipsed by what I am a part of. So if your present day sparkle doesn't make sense from your point of view, remember that a further day grouping will.

A "Bones" Moment

2011-02-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

A gentleman at work came up to me today and said, "I can't stop thinking about you!" And I said, "What a waste of energy!" and he said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "Everyone is given the equivalent of about a cup of energy to spend every day. When you spend all your cup of energy thinking about me, you've wasted your energy. Instead, you should use your energy to further your growth by putting it into your plans and your goals." He predictably looked at me with a blank look. I think I was having a "Bones" moment.

Choices, Choices, Choices

2011-01-30T15:45:00.000-05:00

You can either see the sparkles in the grass, the sparkles in the pine needles on the deck, the sparkles in the cobwebs or you can see the dirt on the window, the fact that the deck needs sweeping, the basket ball goal needs moving, and the cobwebs need removing. You always have choices - you can always choose to give yourself the gift of happiness or you can choose to refuse to give yourself the gift of happiness or you can do nothing, which results in the latter .

Humming and Purring

2011-01-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

There's a Humming that surrounds the puzzling, hurtful events in your life- a Humming that goes over and under and around you and your puzzlement. So feel the disappointment, feel the loss, be perplexed and then listen to the Hum and the Purr of the Universe - a peace that passes understanding. Be like children who look to their parent's faces when they encounter events that they don't know how to interpret. The parent's faces tell them whether to be alarmed or not. Likewise, we look to His face and see Him humming and that helps us interpret our lives.

Changed Premise - Problem Solved

2011-01-27T12:14:00.000-05:00

To me the problem of evil is quite simple. You've heard it said over and over - "If God is all powerful and all good, how can there be evil?"

Here's how - God is not all powerful! He gave some of His power away - He gave some of His power to us. He said that WE had dominion over the earth. He gave us permission to checkmate Him.

So is it not obvious, since we have the power, we are the ones responsible for whether evil exists or not?

Ongoing Narrative

2011-01-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

Reynolds Price wrote, "The fact that my legs were subsequently paralyzed by 25 X-ray treatments ... was a mere complexity in the ongoing narrative which God intended me to make of my life."

What a fantastic way to live! Paralyzed legs are a "complexity in the ongoing narrative which God intended me to make of my life." So my narrative is mine to write - there are complexities and there are givens, but I am responsible to arrange them in such a way that I produce a narrative called "my life".

Many pieces are offered - most of the time I don't get to decide what is offered, but I do get to decide which ones I pick up from the pieces that are offered and then I get to decide what I will do with the ones that I pick up - the result is a picture/story I form/write; ultimately for my own satisfaction. Sometimes, when it is done well the result is called peace; other times it is called contentment.

Identified With Christ

2011-01-25T16:09:00.000-05:00

The nice things about our gifts is that we get to benefit from them as well as others. I have this gift/curse of being able to "get inside" other people's heads and hearts (sometimes). So sometimes in my thoughts, I talk to my friends and share my wrestlings and ponderings and then I get inside of them and answer me!

So, in my thoughts, I was telling my friends how I ended up about 180 degrees from where I thought I'd be at my age. I thought I'd be in the ministry with a godly spouse and godly children etc. Then, in my thoughts, my "friend" answered me and said, "But you are more identified with Christ where you are now than had you become what you dreamed of. Where you are is where you would find Him if He was on earth. You are where His heart is, His yearnings. His heart yearns toward the lonely, the hurting, the struggling, the desperate. Like your Father, your heart is always towards your most hurting child. "

Energy Sucking TV

2011-01-23T18:38:00.000-05:00

Having finished Graduate School soon after Thanksgiving, I took the next couple of months off and found myself often watching TV. The surprise for me was that I enjoyed it! So now that my Designated Months Off are winding down, I find myself struggling with how much TV to allow in my life. It was becoming an Ought vs. Ought-Not wrestling match.

This afternoon, reluctant to go back to living that way, I asked myself, not "should" I watch TV but rather, how much energy does watching TV consume from me? I actually find myself tired after watching TV, which tells me it probably consumes a lot of energy. As I pondered the reality of the Energy Sucking TV, I decided that today, my energy was going somewhere else where the returns were greater!

The Life of Sound

2011-01-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

If God had asked me what gift I wanted, I would have told him I wanted the gift of being able to sing. I don't think any gift gets the yearnings out like the gift of song.

So I listen to Eva Cassidy sing and I think I can't sing like her, but maybe I can live my life the way she sings her songs. She sings in a very leisurely, very much listening-to-her-own-heart-her-own-rhythm sort of way. She meanders through her songs, unaware of oughts or shoulds or how others chose to sing the same song. She gently massages her songs, carefully caressing them, maybe lingering here and maybe lingering there, appearing hesitant to leave such beauty. She slides over words, leisurely wraps herself in the silk of sound, all the while doing a slow dance with notes lined up waiting patiently for her to bring them to life and then winding down to a reluctant ending. A true love affair with the life of sound (or is it the sound of life.)

Conniption Fits

2010-12-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

I've been watching my 2 year old granddaughter throw a conniption fit when she is picked up and doesn't want to be picked up. When I was young, that was the sign of a spoiled rotten brat - the very worse thing someone could think about you or your children (or grandchildren).

Now when I see her do that, I think, "You go girl - may you always know what you want and may you always fight for it." Predictably, because my perceptions of who I am and who others are and who God is are inextricably intertwined, I now also happen to think that God similarly approves. I can imagine Him thinking, "You go girl, may you always know what you want and may you always fight for it."

Significance

2010-12-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

My points of torment are like pokes now instead of burning embers. But even so, if ignored, they can still do damage. The funny thing is, now that I have entered the last third (fourth?) of my life, the torment now gets to add, for good measure, "... and by the way, you're too old to be tormented by that thought any more!"

I'll give an example: I still have existential questions like, what is my significance and why am I here. But it usually is in the form of, I have no significance and it is my fault. And if unattended and ignored, I can fall into lethargy, the place where I go when I have unattended, depressive thoughts. But this time around, the thought did not get to pass through unnoticed and she wasn't shamed for existing, . . .well, initially she was. So I pulled her out and said, "Let's look at this, what do you think, do you have significance?"

When you are young, the thought is that eventually you will do something that is significant and people will say, "Wow, what a significant person!" But you reach a certain age and if you are honest with yourself, it becomes obvious that that is not going to happen.

So where does significance come from? For me, the answer this time around was that my significance comes from the fact that I was put here to be a witness of, to be one who reflects and absorbs creation/God. I was put here to witness God and Creation and then to reflect what I witnessed. Actually, that is what we all do whether we know it or not - we all reflect what we absorb.

I'm not quite sure why that comforted me or why it rang true or why I believe that - but for me, it was quite "significant".

Nope - Not 2,780

2010-12-22T17:06:00.000-05:00

Ricky Gervais says, "It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are. From what I can gather, pretty much the worst type of person you can be is an atheist. The first four commandments hammer this point home. There is a god, I’m him, no one else is, you’re not as good and don’t forget it. (Don’t murder anyone, does not get mentioned till number 6.)"

He has a good point. So I asked myself why might that be? The only answer I can come up with is perhaps because God interacts with people where they are. Maybe it is a guess, but 2,780 gods have supposedly been documented. In an era when people worshipped multiple gods, He was letting people know, "nope, not 2,780 gods, only 1 and He/She/It is Good". Well maybe the Good part came 1500 years later.

The Empty Spaces

2010-12-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

There are some "discoveries" I have that I want to marinate in and one of those discoveries is the idea that the empty parts of a painting are just as much a part of the beauty of the painting as the objects themselves.

What got me going in this direction was an article in the WSJ that was talking about Japanese paintings and the fact that their uniqueness was in the amazing amount of empty space. David Littlejohn writes, "One quality of Japanese art that puzzles Westerners is its astonishing degree of empty space."

And I thought, if my life consisted of the forming of a painting, the empty spaces would be like the moments we don't experience God or notice Him. That turns the direction of my life around 180 degrees. The heavy "pressure" to experience God or to seek Him or to notice Him or to be aware of what He is doing slips down off my shoulders and I am free.

So after church, I am cooking sausage for a sausage and rice recipe and am thinking, this so-called "non-moment" is just as much a part of the beauty of who I am as any ecstasy I feel when I sense His presence.

Whole Together, Not Apart

2010-12-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'm adjusting to the reality that wholeness is not to be found within, but without. I keep seeking wholeness within myself. In other words, when I experience the incompleteness of my humanity, I remind myself, that is because I am complete when I am in community and will never be complete any place else.

I look around and I see people who are more secure than me, who are more organized than me, who are more socially competent than me, who are more relaxed than me, who are more focused than me, who are more ambitious than me, who are more hard working than me, who are more together than me, who are more anything than me. And when I have those thoughts, I remind myself, that that is why I hang out with them - they get to be all those things and I don't have to be all those things and together, we are complete. (so there!)

Sharing Silence

2010-12-09T19:12:00.001-05:00

As I contemplate how I am going to live the last fourth of my life, I am playing with the idea of stepping back from actively seeking God and let Him seek me. As I imagine doing that, the thought has crossed my mind, what happens if I do that and He doesn't interact with me or what happens if I do that and He doesn't seek me or what happens if I do that and He seeks me in such a way that I don't know it?

And then I am reminded of what I read about Japanese paintings - part of their beauty is the amazing amount of "white space" - the amazing amount of emptiness. So if I imagined myself as a painting, I would imagine myself as a Japanese painting with an amazing amount of emptiness - the emptiness representing the silence God and I share. So if I let Him seek me, and there is silence, then the silence will be something He and I share - an amazing amount of emptiness - beauty!

Loving Love

2010-11-29T18:41:00.000-05:00

So why did it take me so long to love . . . Love? When I go to my heart and ask what I thought about Love for most of my life, I would have to say that I didn't trust Love. Love to me was a facade, was manipulative, was whatever the word is that promises one thing and delivers another. I was not impressed with Love and decided I could live without it.

I remember as I child reading about someone who had conversations with God and so I decided to have a conversation with God. The first thing He said was, "I love you, Robin." And I remember rolling my eyes metaphorically and thinking, He's just saying that because that is what God is suppose to say. And I didn't talk to Him again like that for a long time.

I think my children and grandchildren snuck love into my heart when I wasn't looking and I've been addicted ever since. And did I say, it helps to have had your heart broken? For some reason, broken hearts receive Love in a way unbroken hearts can't. It might be because broken hearts are desperate hearts and Love doesn't meet any resistance in desperate hearts.

All Wrong and Still All Right

2010-11-25T08:41:00.000-05:00

So I go to the doctor to get my First-In-A-Lifetime-Physical and she prescribes all these pills. Predictably, I find a hundred and one reasons not to take the pills, but the real reason is because I need her to look at me disapprovingly the next time I see her and then I will go home and take my pills - I need Shame! Figuring out that this pattern was in place in me was the First Great Step. Predictably, it was accompanied by, dare I say it . . . Great Shame! So what was revealed to me was that certain Doors inside of me needed to be opened before I could change, but I couldn't open those doors because they were being protected by Shame, the Great Protector.

So what is one to do with Great Protectors? Aha! Enter the Second Great Step, the insertion of Lovely Compassion . . . Compassion for my need for Great Shame. Lovely Compassion neutralizes Great Protector by taking his hand and saying, "Shame, you've done a great job all these years, but God is saying that it is now time to present to Him what you've been guarding. I love you. Let's go together and present your treasures to Him."

So Shame, Compassion and I present our treasures to God. And whenever I am tempted to hide from Shame, Compassion says, "Love you, girl. It's okay that you are hiding from Shame. It's okay that you are ashamed of Shame. You are learning to not be ashamed of Shame. You are doing a great job!"

So something inside of me jumps up and down with excitement. It makes me so happy that I can be all wrong and still be all right!

Napping in the Sun

2010-11-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to people on Facebook bemoan the fact that they can't be like pets that nap leisurely in the sun. And I'm thinking, why not? Why not curl up in the sun and take a nap? I took a metaphoric nap in the literal sun this morning - lots to do but the house was quiet, and sitting a spell and watching the leaves stream across a mowed meadow was irresistible (and oh, what magic the Warm Breeze Fairies brought from Happy Land!)

My mother had an ornery streak and whenever we moaned that we had to do such and such, she would challenge us by asking what would happen if we broke our leg! The point she was making is that there are very few things we have to do. Like I said, she had an ornery streak.

So we really could decide to literally curl up in the sun and take a literal nap. Yes, everything would go to hell in a handbasket . . . but what if you broke your leg?

In-Between Stage

2010-11-21T08:04:00.000-05:00

I've been wrestling with God for maybe 30 years. During the darkest 5 year period, I remember I had no hope, which meant I could not imagine a future that I wanted to be a part of, even a fanciful future. The best anyone could tell me was that they had been in a similar place and that it didn't last, which I thought, "bully for them".

If I had been able to talk to me at that point, here is what I would have told me: I would have told me that it is possible to still have hope and still not be able to imagine a future one wants to be a part of. The reason why is because the person that does the imagining, is the person that changes. The person that can not imagine a future that she wants to be a part of, changes (dies?) and the new person can imagine a future she wants to be a part of. It's that in-between stage that (literally?) kills you.

Psychology is . . . .?

2010-11-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

This was an assignment I had for a class I took. I thought it interesting and thought I'd share it.

Clarify your rationale for agreeing or disagreeing with the statement, “Psychology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about sinful human beings”.

Of course the statement, “Psychology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about sinful human beings,” is a true statement. How could it be otherwise? The speaker meant for it to be a statement of dismissal (note the use of the word, “just”). But had he put a little thought into it, he would have realized that that statement is true of all human endeavors. He could have said, “Theology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about a book that sinful human beings wrote and God anointed”.

Even when we set out to study the physical world instead of the abstract world, we are still dealing with our perceptions of the concrete world and not the concrete world itself. Hence, our perceptions will always miss the mark; hence they will always be “sinful”.

So that statement should be a statement of wonder …. “Wow! Imagine a world that is so wonderful that even when sinful human beings sinfully think about anything, good can still comes from it! Wow!” This statement just reinforces why we need 2 "books" of God’s truth, the Bible and creation, in order to help us minimize the mixed fruit that the sinful part of who we are and the sinful part of our perceptions continually produce.

By Invitation Only

2010-11-16T15:06:00.000-05:00

Our God truly is unique in the world of created gods. I think one of the most unique features of the Judeo Christian God is His having allowed/created Free Will. Here is my definition of Free Will - Free Will: permission to create a space where God is not. What other truly omnipotent Entity says, "You may create a space where I will not inhabit until invited!"

Not Available

2010-11-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

There is so much pressure on Introverts to be anything but an Introvert. Society says in order for us to approve of you, you have to be vivacious and perky and engaging and outgoing and energetic, etc. And then, Christianity says the same thing but in a different way, i.e. that one is Christlike (as in, we approve) if . . . .you are outgoing and friendly and gregarious and giving, etc.

So what is an Introvert to do with all this pressure to be Otherwise? My Home "Groan" Theory pertaining to this is that God made Introverts for Himself and sometimes He shares us with others and sometimes He doesn't. Likewise, sometimes I share myself with others and sometimes I don't. (Nothing like arranging reality to suit oneself!)

The Howling of Darkness

2010-11-11T18:15:00.000-05:00

I like to keep an eye out for little Jesus-es and found such a person in Erin Gruwell, the teacher depicted in the movie, Freedom Writers. Like Jesus, she cared for the individual and in the process, found herself in the cross hairs of an entrenched institution. Her unconventional care for her students inadvertently exposed the public school system for what it had become - a self-serving institution.

Light often does that. She had no bone to pick with the public school system. She was just caring desperately about her kids and just doing excellently. But as a result of her care and her excellence, those defending the "system" descended on her with a fury - mediocrity and inferiority (darkness) stung by the exposure of her excellence (light).

Sometimes, if you want to find true light, listen for the howling of darkness.

NotGod?

2010-11-10T14:47:00.000-05:00

The movie, "Temple Grandin" is about how the person Temple Grandin overcomes/manages her autism and with the help of mentors and through sheer will power, goes on to become a Ph.D. Professor in Animal Science at Colorado State University. It is an amazing movie about an amazing woman. One of the things that struck my heart was that no matter how much one loved Temple, one would never be able to "connect" with her because of her autism.

One gets a glimpse of how God must feel. No matter how much He loves us, many times He simply cannot connect. One of the reasons this is true is because . . . .one of those rare, unchangeable-throughout-all-eternity truths is that God cannot deny Himself. For instance, since God is Truth, He simply cannot connect to Lie - He cannot deny Himself. He cares deeply for Lie, but He cannot connect to Lie. Truth is God and Lie is NotGod.

Definition: NotGod - anything God cannot connect to as a result of His undeniable nature. Sin might just be another word for NotGod.

Mud Puddley Time

2010-11-09T16:12:00.000-05:00

I have never allowed myself to live as though there is no future. But I have allowed myself to do that this fall. I have given myself permission to pause, knowing that in the spring, I will go in a different direction - sorta like a door on a hinge.

So one of the ways I've been "pausing" is by watching TV whenever I want to - I'm watching all the old programs from centuries ago - like "Malcolm in the Middle". And I never feel so sane (or insane) as I do after I watch their shenanigans. (God, I love those kids!)

All that to say, you'd be amazed at how my spirit has turned to mush - and so fast! Whenever I ask myself, "what is in your spirit?" there is silence - there is nothing there! I guess I never realized to what degree I had input into what was in my spirit.

I probably won't stay here - but there is nothing wrong with visiting. If we are walking down the sidewalk with Jesus, He lets us pause and play in mud puddles every once in a while.

Connecting

2010-11-08T12:29:00.000-05:00

I keep reminding myself that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you can connect with them. You can respect their humanity, acknowledge their Godness, accept their differences, suffer with their brokennesses and never connect with them on any level.

I'm sure that is more true for God than it is for us. But I'm also thinking that a definition of maturity is connecting with God, not just being loved by Him.

Wind Whipped Doggies

2010-11-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking that if God were a dog, when He went for car rides with His owners, He'd put His head out the window and exult in feeling the wind whipping His ears and burning His eyes and tingling His nose. I don't know what it is, but there is something so free, so unfettered, so happy-making, so doggie, about dogs lollygagging out of car windows. I know I'm probably the only person who thinks of God when she sees wind whipped doggies, but my Spirit gets so happy when I see that - I want to join them - I want to go "wheeeee all the way home" (oh wait, that was a piggy).

Our Garden, His Meal

2010-11-01T17:35:00.001-04:00

I've been mulling over the meal that God "prepares before us in the presence of our enemies." It dawned on me that we are "co-preparers" of our nourishment. You know that meal that God prepares . . . well, He gets the fruit and vegetables from the garden that we grow.

So when God wants to nourish us and fuss over us and tend to our needs, He goes to our "gardens" and He looks around and He says either, "Hmmm, not much here to work with, not much here to gather from," or He says, "Wow, what a great place to gather food from!"

So we tend our "gardens," our lives, and God gathers the fruits and vegetables from all our tending and then prepares many meals for us in order to nourish us so that we can grow more and more adept at staring down our ever-present enemies.

Through Their Eyes

2010-10-31T08:35:00.001-04:00

I am wired to be able to get inside other people. It has been as much a curse as it has been a blessing, at least until I learned that it was my responsibility to "manage" my gift. In other words, I had to learn to "get out" of people once I "got in" them.

One of the ways this gift manifests itself is that I am able to get inside children and see life the way they see it. This is one of the reasons I adore children. I love the way they experience life. Little people live in the moment and their life is full of wonders and they are totally unselfconscious.

It dawned on me one day that I don't have to be with a child to see life through their eyes. I can imagine I am a child and I can imagine seeing life for the first time - full of wonder. Is this part of what Jesus means when He says that we experience the abundant life by becoming like a child?

Blessing Our Homelands

2010-10-31T08:17:00.000-04:00

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Von-Trapp-Singers-Perform-Edelweiss-Video_2/topic/oprahshow

You’ll have to forgive me, but when I watch this video clip, the Spirit of God just leaps within me with all that this symbolizes to me – beauty, music, love, family, fun, kindness, joy, and did I say beauty? And children and their precious spirits and hardship and patience and dignity and the passage of time. When our spirits try to contain all of “this”, we call it worship, because we don’t know what else to do with all our emotion. I’m just so aware that oh so soon, I’ll leave this multidimensional world full of wonders and I’ll say, “Oh God, I couldn’t contain it all!” May we all bloom and grow and bless our “homelands” forever.

There All Along

2010-10-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

The view outside my bedroom window glows in an unusual way in the fall. It must have something to do with the types of trees that grow there and the yellowish glow of the sun - the whole woods seem to turn magical. I just know if I am quiet enough I am bound to see a hobbit darting between the trees.

While waiting for my furry-footed friends to appear, I imagine the change that the leaves are going through. I imagine them experiencing the loss of green chlorophyll and the amazement they must feel as they watch themselves take on colors they had no idea were within.

And with a little more imagination, I see the leaves as a mini redemption story... a mini story of what happens as my "flesh," my false self, recedes. My false self is like the green chlorophyll and underneath are the hidden colors of the Spirit. The hidden colors of the Spirit are exposed only when the false-self-chlorophyll recedes, leaving me with a glory hithertofore unknown, but there all along.

Just Like Me

2010-10-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

Eugene Peterson writes, "Anybody who has spent any time at all in the company of Christians knows that none of us whom Paul calls saints is a saint in any conventional sense. Most of us are not exceptionally good or good-looking. It is worse than that. Adultery and addiction, gossip and gluttony, arrogance and propaganda, sexual abuse and self-righteousness are as likely to occur, even flourish, in congregations of Christians as in any school or college, any bank or army, any government or business. Still, Paul doesn't hesitate to name these men and women in his congregations as saints."

I'm growing more content to flourish in the company of these kinds of "saints" - they sound just like me!

Joy in Anticipation

2010-10-23T12:44:00.001-04:00

So I am mulling again over the verse in Psalms where the talking sheep says, "He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies." (He prepares food for me, even though I can see the enemies that threaten my existence even as I receive His nourishment.) And I am envisioning the preparing part. I am envisioning God having me in mind when He chooses the color of the table cloth. I am envisioning God having me in mind when He chooses the flat ware, and I am envisioning God having me in mind when He chooses the food. As He is preparing a "table before me," He is imagining my response and He is imagining our time together and His joy rises up in the imagining. So His enjoyment of me begins long before the picnic is spread in the pasture and long before I arrive on the scene.

Just like I prepare yogurt for my granddaughter and begin to enjoy her as I prepare for her (even before she arrives), just like God prepared a world for me and began to enjoy me as He prepared for me (even before I arrived), just as the Shepard prepares food for the sheep and begins to enjoy His time with the sheep (even before the sheep arrives), so God prepares many "chance" encounters for me to catch glimpses of Him each day and as He does so, begins to enjoy me in His imaginings of our times together.

With Me In Mind (and Heart)

2010-10-23T12:32:00.000-04:00

So I go to the store with my granddaughter in mind. I go and buy a certain type of yogurt in a certain size container and I put it in a certain place in the refrigerator, all in anticipation of her finding it and reaching for it and eating it and in anticipation of me being there to enjoy her little world. So I begin enjoying my granddaughter long before she actually arrives in my house.

Maybe this was what it was like for God as He formed the world (in what ever way He formed it). Maybe He formed it with me in mind. And maybe, as He formed it, He began to imagine me in it and maybe He began to imagine me enjoying His world and maybe He began to imagine us enjoying it together - long before I arrived on the scene.

It's Okay

2010-10-23T09:50:00.000-04:00

My life is chock full of oughts and shoulds. Hardly a minute goes by that a should-thought or an ought-thought doesn't tap on my shoulder. "I ought to be more out-going like so and so; I ought to be more pro-active like so and so. I ought to be more embracing of that judgmental relative; I ought to be like my son who gets an incredible amount of work done; I ought to have learned that lesson years ago; I ought to be more mature; I ought to be more adept at confronting and of course the ultimate . . . I ought not to think ought thoughts!" And did I mention that the result of these casual thoughts are that they are very happily draining?

So I go back to my Good-Tender-Kind-Endearing-Embracing-Adoring-Respectful Truth and I hear Him say, "Sweetie, it is okay that you are not more out-going, more pro-active, more productive, behind in learning lessons, not confrontational and think ought thoughts. It is simply, okay. I like you. I enjoy you. In fact, I enjoy you a lot. Remember, there is only One Good and you are not Him and I never want you to be. An inadequate-incomplete-behind-you is totally fine with me. " Then He pats me on the bum and says, "Now go have a great day, you-adorable-child-you!"

An Unharsh Truth

2010-10-23T09:37:00.001-04:00

I buy a special yogurt that I know my granddaughter likes. I put it in a place in the refrigerator that I know she can reach and the yogurt is in a size that she can feed herself from. All these things make her happy. It makes her happy that she knows where to go to get yogurt and it makes her happy that she can reach for it herself and it makes her happy that she can feed herself.

And as I am putting the yogurt away this morning, I am anticipating all the little noises she makes when she is happy. I am anticipating enjoying her ... enjoying her little life. And of course, I am mulling over how God enjoys me ... enjoying my life and how He must anticipate my enjoyment as He arranges things that He knows I will enjoy.

As I walk towards Truth, Truth is much more good and tender and kind and endearing and embracing and adoring and respectful than I ever knew. No wonder He hides Himself until we can receive Him.

In The Presence of My Enemies

2010-10-20T17:49:00.001-04:00

If I ever write a book, I'm going to call it' "In The Presence of My Enemies". All of my life happens in the presence of my enemies. If I had not been able to find life in the presence of my enemies, I would never have found life.

My circumstances (my enemies) today are worse than they were 10 years ago, yet I have spent my afternoon yodeling endless Enya melodies to the Lord while folding laundry and cooking supper and washing dishes.

Sometimes I feel like there is a universe inside of me that is going to expand until I burst with exuberance. Life, in the presence of my enemies, couldn't get any better.