Maybe Even Appropriately

There is a good chance that my (almost) Worst Fear will "come upon me"! Well, maybe not the worst.

 I am trying to get certified by an organization that I have a great deal of respect for and I just can't seem to be able to get them to be impressed by me. In fact, they are so not impressed, that there is a good possibility that they will not certify me. So the (almost) worst fear is . . . a group of people I respect will judge me (accurately) to be deficient and  reject me.

And of course, all the neurons are firing at nuclear intensity.

How dare they!
Don't they know how innocent and sincere I am?
Don't they know how unjust they are being by jerking me around?
Don't they know how hard I am trying?
Don't they know I am new at all of this?

So can I just sit with that?
And I do.
I just sit with how my filter is interpreting the circumstances of my life.

And lo and behold, I find out that there is life even if my (almost) Worst Fear comes true.

How fun is that!
And how proud I am of myself for Being Aware, for processing my feelings, for accepting the realities of my insecurities, even the insecurities that are seen and judged, maybe even appropriately.

Both Are Good

So I'm watching both my gifts and my non-gifts become more and more apparent. I guess that is what happens when you land in good soil. The fertilizer makes both the plants and the weeds happy. There is a part of me that wants to flip off the people who are not happy with my non gifts. But I laugh at myself. All these years of straining to see The Truth and then when I am able to experience it in a more balanced way, I squirm.

So the Enneagram suggested that Type Fives (of which group I belong to) tend to be perceived as aloof listing towards arrogant. Not me, I said. And then I started looking.

So these last 10 years, I have grown in confidence. And yes, these last 10 years, I have also grown in arrogance. Alas and alack. Take a deep breath. Be willing to be told you are both wonderful and not so wonderful. Both are good (and true).

Lay 'em Down

There's a verse in Revelation (Rev. 4: 9) that says the Twenty Four Elders will lay down their crowns before the throne of God. There is a good possibility that on some level, we are aware that we are not solely responsible when we or things turn out well (i.e. our crowns). So it makes sense, that that "knowing" would make it easy to lay down our crowns as a symbolic act that signifies, I am a recipient as well as a giver of goodness.

I have often thought that if I get a crown for doing/being/living well, I will share it with my addict husband: not because I think he is a victim, but because I don't know how much of my "goodness" is inherent and how much of it was given.

And then the other reason I would share it with him is because if he wasn't such a sinner, no one would know what a saint I was! (Just kidding - there is plenty of evidence to the contrary)