Yes? No?

The decisions we make . . . from what we wear, to where we go, to who our friends are, to what our career will be, all emanate from our perceived/created identity. God says that we, to some degree, get to create our identity. We get to choose who we become. So either consciously or unconsciously, we continually express our perceived/created identity through the decisions we make.

So you can either go at this through the front door or you can go at this through the back door. You can look at the decisions you make and ask the question, "According to the decisions I make, who does that tell  me I am?" or you can say, "I am SoAndSo, therefore I decide SuchAndSuch".

Recently, I did the latter. I was having a hard time making decisions concerning home and work and church. So I told myself, "You've got about 20 years left (maybe) . . . who do you want to be for those 20 years?" (The identity question)  And I answered myself and said, "I want to be Wisdom Woman" - (a created identity - something God (allows?) insists we do).

And then it wasn't hard at all to make the decisions I needed to make concerning time and money and people and places and jobs. (Of course, then one has to be willing to live with all the repercussions inherent in all  the "no's" that accrue as a result of all the "yes-es".)

Prayer - Mutual Affection

Prayer has sometimes been defined as "receiving the ever benevolent gaze of God, returning it in kind, mutually gazing and finally recognizing that it is one single gaze received and bounced back."

If that is true, then it makes sense that when I despair, I am neither giving nor receiving the benevolent gaze of God. When I fall into despair, I am saying on some level that life is hard, life will always be hard, and life is especially hard for me. But not only am I saying that life is hard, I am saying that inherent in the hardness of life is a callousness from God. In other words, there is no "benevolent gazing" going on.

Through a great deal of training (as a result of desperation), I have learned to harness my thoughts. When I slide into despair, I ask myself, do you really want your energy to go in this direction? And since I really don't like despair, I have learned to literally stop despairing thoughts in their "tracks" and choose to enter into the "one single gaze received and bounced back".

First? Last?

There is another way of looking at what Jesus meant when he said, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first," and that is . . .  that there is no such thing as first and last.

Or . . . that they are such transient "places" that their sheer transience renders them irrelevant or obsolete.

Or . . . don't even bother to try and figure out first and last in yourself or in others because you don't have enough information.

Or . . . first and last are too temporal to pay any attention to or put any energy towards.

Or . . . did I say there were many ways of looking at what Jesus said?

FirstLastFirstLastFirstLast

Jesus says that the first shall be last and the last shall be first (Matt. 20: 16).  I'm sure there are many things to be learned from that truth,but one thing that strikes me that Jesus could be saying is .... learn to be at peace both in the last position and in the first position.

Learn to be comfortable being last. If one chooses to grow, then inherent in growing is that one begins in the Last Position. Someone has gone there before you - someone is in the metaphoric "first" position. If being last is something you cannot tolerate, then you will not be able to tolerate change and growth.

Learn to be comfortable being first. First is fun. First means you haven't exited. First means you're in this for the long haul. First means you are soon going to be last again.

What can one deduce from this? There is only one thing left to do - enjoy the ride.

Sweet Nothings

My 3 year old granddaughter takes her time waking up on Sunday mornings. I usually go in, kneel by her Little-Car-Bed-Made-Just-For-Little-People, stroke her hair and say sweet nothings to her as she lies half awake. And as I was doing that to my granddaughter, I could imagine God expressing His heart towards me in a similar way - I could imagine Him kneeling beside me, stroking my hair and murmuring sweet nothings in my ear.

Later that day, as I sat outside, the warm breeze that tussled my hair was silky, smooth and sweet. The question that drifted over me was, "Is this You, Lord? Is this You stroking my hair and saying sweet nothings in inaudible tones that delight the soul?"