Monday, November 29, 2010

Loving Love

So why did it take me so long to love . . . Love? When I go to my heart and ask what I thought about Love for most of my life, I would have to say that I didn't trust Love. Love to me was a facade, was manipulative, was whatever the word is that promises one thing and delivers another. I was not impressed with Love and decided I could live without it.

I remember as I child reading about someone who had conversations with God and so I decided to have a conversation with God. The first thing He said was, "I love you, Robin." And I remember rolling my eyes metaphorically and thinking, He's just saying that because that is what God is suppose to say. And I didn't talk to Him again like that for a long time.

I think my children and grandchildren snuck love into my heart when I wasn't looking and I've been addicted ever since. And did I say, it helps to have had your heart broken? For some reason, broken hearts receive Love in a way unbroken hearts can't. It might be because broken hearts are desperate hearts and Love doesn't meet any resistance in desperate hearts.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

All Wrong and Still All Right

So I go to the doctor to get my First-In-A-Lifetime-Physical and she prescribes all these pills. Predictably, I find a hundred and one reasons not to take the pills, but the real reason is because I need her to look at me disapprovingly the next time I see her and then I will go home and take my pills - I need Shame! Figuring out that this pattern was in place in me was the First Great Step. Predictably, it was accompanied by, dare I say it . . . Great Shame! So what was revealed to me was that certain Doors inside of me needed to be opened before I could change, but I couldn't open those doors because they were being protected by Shame, the Great Protector.

So what is one to do with Great Protectors? Aha! Enter the Second Great Step, the insertion of Lovely Compassion . . . Compassion for my need for Great Shame. Lovely Compassion neutralizes Great Protector by taking his hand and saying, "Shame, you've done a great job all these years, but God is saying that it is now time to present to Him what you've been guarding. I love you. Let's go together and present your treasures to Him."

So Shame, Compassion and I present our treasures to God. And whenever I am tempted to hide from Shame, Compassion says, "Love you, girl. It's okay that you are hiding from Shame. It's okay that you are ashamed of Shame. You are learning to not be ashamed of Shame. You are doing a great job!"

So something inside of me jumps up and down with excitement. It makes me so happy that I can be all wrong and still be all right!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Napping in the Sun

I've been listening to people on Facebook bemoan the fact that they can't be like pets that nap leisurely in the sun. And I'm thinking, why not? Why not curl up in the sun and take a nap? I took a metaphoric nap in the literal sun this morning - lots to do but the house was quiet, and sitting a spell and watching the leaves stream across a mowed meadow was irresistible (and oh, what magic the Warm Breeze Fairies brought from Happy Land!)

My mother had an ornery streak and whenever we moaned that we had to do such and such, she would challenge us by asking what would happen if we broke our leg! The point she was making is that there are very few things we have to do. Like I said, she had an ornery streak.

So we really could decide to literally curl up in the sun and take a literal nap. Yes, everything would go to hell in a handbasket . . . but what if you broke your leg?


Sunday, November 21, 2010

In-Between Stage

I've been wrestling with God for maybe 30 years. During the darkest 5 year period, I remember I had no hope, which meant I could not imagine a future that I wanted to be a part of, even a fanciful future. The best anyone could tell me was that they had been in a similar place and that it didn't last, which I thought, "bully for them".

If I had been able to talk to me at that point, here is what I would have told me: I would have told me that it is possible to still have hope and still not be able to imagine a future one wants to be a part of. The reason why is because the person that does the imagining, is the person that changes. The person that can not imagine a future that she wants to be a part of, changes (dies?) and the new person can imagine a future she wants to be a part of. It's that in-between stage that (literally?) kills you.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Psychology is . . . .?

This was an assignment I had for a class I took. I thought it interesting and thought I'd share it.

Clarify your rationale for agreeing or disagreeing with the statement, “Psychology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about sinful human beings”.

Of course the statement, “Psychology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about sinful human beings,” is a true statement. How could it be otherwise? The speaker meant for it to be a statement of dismissal (note the use of the word, “just”). But had he put a little thought into it, he would have realized that that statement is true of all human endeavors. He could have said, “Theology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about a book that sinful human beings wrote and God anointed”.

Even when we set out to study the physical world instead of the abstract world, we are still dealing with our perceptions of the concrete world and not the concrete world itself. Hence, our perceptions will always miss the mark; hence they will always be “sinful”.

So that statement should be a statement of wonder …. “Wow! Imagine a world that is so wonderful that even when sinful human beings sinfully think about anything, good can still comes from it! Wow!” This statement just reinforces why we need 2 "books" of God’s truth, the Bible and creation, in order to help us minimize the mixed fruit that the sinful part of who we are and the sinful part of our perceptions continually produce.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

By Invitation Only

Our God truly is unique in the world of created gods. I think one of the most unique features of the Judeo Christian God is His having allowed/created Free Will. Here is my definition of Free Will - Free Will: permission to create a space where God is not. What other truly omnipotent Entity says, "You may create a space where I will not inhabit until invited!"


Monday, November 15, 2010

Not Available

There is so much pressure on Introverts to be anything but an Introvert. Society says in order for us to approve of you, you have to be vivacious and perky and engaging and outgoing and energetic, etc. And then, Christianity says the same thing but in a different way, i.e. that one is Christlike (as in, we approve) if . . . .you are outgoing and friendly and gregarious and giving, etc.

So what is an Introvert to do with all this pressure to be Otherwise? My Home "Groan" Theory pertaining to this is that God made Introverts for Himself and sometimes He shares us with others and sometimes He doesn't. Likewise, sometimes I share myself with others and sometimes I don't. (Nothing like arranging reality to suit oneself!)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Howling of Darkness

I like to keep an eye out for little Jesus-es and found such a person in Erin Gruwell, the teacher depicted in the movie, Freedom Writers. Like Jesus, she cared for the individual and in the process, found herself in the cross hairs of an entrenched institution. Her unconventional care for her students inadvertently exposed the public school system for what it had become - a self-serving institution.

Light often does that. She had no bone to pick with the public school system. She was just caring desperately about her kids and just doing excellently. But as a result of her care and her excellence, those defending the "system" descended on her with a fury - mediocrity and inferiority (darkness) stung by the exposure of her excellence (light).

Sometimes, if you want to find true light, listen for the howling of darkness.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

NotGod?

The movie, "Temple Grandin" is about how the person Temple Grandin overcomes/manages her autism and with the help of mentors and through sheer will power, goes on to become a Ph.D. Professor in Animal Science at Colorado State University. It is an amazing movie about an amazing woman. One of the things that struck my heart was that no matter how much one loved Temple, one would never be able to "connect" with her because of her autism.

One gets a glimpse of how God must feel. No matter how much He loves us, many times He simply cannot connect. One of the reasons this is true is because . . . .one of those rare, unchangeable-throughout-all-eternity truths is that God cannot deny Himself. For instance, since God is Truth, He simply cannot connect to Lie - He cannot deny Himself. He cares deeply for Lie, but He cannot connect to Lie. Truth is God and Lie is NotGod.

Definition: NotGod - anything God cannot connect to as a result of His undeniable nature. Sin might just be another word for NotGod.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Mud Puddley Time

I have never allowed myself to live as though there is no future. But I have allowed myself to do that this fall. I have given myself permission to pause, knowing that in the spring, I will go in a different direction - sorta like a door on a hinge.

So one of the ways I've been "pausing" is by watching TV whenever I want to - I'm watching all the old programs from centuries ago - like "Malcolm in the Middle". And I never feel so sane (or insane) as I do after I watch their shenanigans. (God, I love those kids!)

All that to say, you'd be amazed at how my spirit has turned to mush - and so fast! Whenever I ask myself, "what is in your spirit?" there is silence - there is nothing there! I guess I never realized to what degree I had input into what was in my spirit.

I probably won't stay here - but there is nothing wrong with visiting. If we are walking down the sidewalk with Jesus, He lets us pause and play in mud puddles every once in a while.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Connecting

I keep reminding myself that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you can connect with them. You can respect their humanity, acknowledge their Godness, accept their differences, suffer with their brokennesses and never connect with them on any level.

I'm sure that is more true for God than it is for us. But I'm also thinking that a definition of maturity is connecting with God, not just being loved by Him.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Wind Whipped Doggies

I've been thinking that if God were a dog, when He went for car rides with His owners, He'd put His head out the window and exult in feeling the wind whipping His ears and burning His eyes and tingling His nose. I don't know what it is, but there is something so free, so unfettered, so happy-making, so doggie, about dogs lollygagging out of car windows. I know I'm probably the only person who thinks of God when she sees wind whipped doggies, but my Spirit gets so happy when I see that - I want to join them - I want to go "wheeeee all the way home" (oh wait, that was a piggy).

Monday, November 1, 2010

Our Garden, His Meal

I've been mulling over the meal that God "prepares before us in the presence of our enemies." It dawned on me that we are "co-preparers" of our nourishment. You know that meal that God prepares . . . well, He gets the fruit and vegetables from the garden that we grow.

So when God wants to nourish us and fuss over us and tend to our needs, He goes to our "gardens" and He looks around and He says either, "Hmmm, not much here to work with, not much here to gather from," or He says, "Wow, what a great place to gather food from!"

So we tend our "gardens," our lives, and God gathers the fruits and vegetables from all our tending and then prepares many meals for us in order to nourish us so that we can grow more and more adept at staring down our ever-present enemies.